- 


"  Go  and  square  yourself  with 
him." 


TRUE     BILLS 


BY 

GEORGE    ADE 

AUTHOR  OF  '*  PEOPLE  YOU  KNOW 

"BREAKING  INTO  SOCIETY" 
"THE  SULTAN  OF  SULU  " 


ILLUSTRATED 


I 


NEW  YORK  AND  LONDON 
HARPER  &  BROTHERS 
PUBLISHERS  MCMIV 


Copyright,  1904,  by  HARPER  &  BROTHERS. 

All  rights  reserved. 
Published  October,  1904. 


CONTENTS 

Page 

The  Fable  of  the  Lonesome  Trolley- 
Riders  and  their  Quest  of  Harmless 
Amusement  1 

The  Fable  of  the  Poor  Woman  Who 
Had  to  Live  in  a  House  That  Was 
Over-run  by  Anecdotes  7 

The  Fable  of  the  Divided  Concern  That 
Was  Reunited  Under  a  New  Man 
agement  9 

The  Fable  of  the  Family  That  Worked 

Overtime  in  Taking  Care  of  Nellie     19 

The    Fable    of    Successful    Tobias    and 

Some  of  His  Happy  New- Years  22 

[v] 

271755 


CONTENTS 

Page 
The  Fable  of  the  Red-Letter  Night  at 

Smartweed  Junction  31 

The  Fable  of  What  Horace  Stood  For 

in  Order  to  Land  the  Queen  35 

The  Fable  of  the  Boy  with  the  Steadfast 

Ambition  43 

The  Fable  of  the  Unfortunate  Has-Been 

and  the  Sympathetic  Conductor          46 

The  Fable  of  Another  Brave  Effort  to 
Infuse  Gentility  into  our  Raw 
Civilization  50 

The  Fable  of  How  Gertrude  Could  Keep 
It  Up  until  Ten  O'Clock  in  the 
Morning  60 

The  Fable  of  How  the  Fearless  Favorite 
from  St.  Louis  Flagged  the  Hot- 
Looker  Across  the  Way  63 


CONTENTS 

Page 

The  Fable  of  the  One  Who  Got  What 
Was  Coming  to  Him  and  then  Some 
More  72 

The  Fable  of  the  Society-Trimmers  and 
What  Broke  Up  the  Experience 
Meeting  76 

The  Fable  of  the  Girl  Who  Wanted  to 

Warm  Up  When  It  Was  Too  Late     86 

The  Fable  of  What  Our  Public  Schools 
and  the  Primary  System  Did  for  a 
Poor  but  Ambitious  Youth  89 

The  Fable  of  the  Two  Ways  of  Going 

Out  After  the  Pay  Envelope  99 

The  Fable  of  the  Misdirected  Sympathy 
and  the  Come-Back  of  the  Proud 
Steam-Fitter  102 

The  Fable  of  How  the  Canny  Commercial 

Salesman  Guessed  the  Combination  113 
[vii] 


CONTENTS 

Page 

The  Fable  of  the  Taxpayers'  Friend 
Who  Ran  to  an  Empty  Grand 
Stand  and  Finished  Outside  the 
Money  116 

The  Fable  of  the  Single-Handed  Fight 

for  Personal  Liberty  127 

The  Fable  of  the  Never-to-be  Benefactor 

Who  Took  a  Brand-New  Tack  131 


The    Fable    of    the    Old    Fox    and    the 
Young  Fox 


[  viii  ] 


The  Fable  of  the  Lonesome   Trolley-Riders 

and  Their  Quest  of  Harmless 

Amusement 

* 

ONCE  there  were  three  Young  Married 
Couples  that  used  to  bunch  up  of  an 
Evening,  so  as  to  have  some  one  else 
to  look  at  once  in  a  while. 

They  lived  out  towards  the  end  of  the  Trol 
ley  Line  and  were  acting  as  Decoys  for  a  new 
Subdivision.  It  was  a  long  Ride  down  to  the 
Centre  of  Town,  and  nothing  doing  after  one 
arrived  there.  So  these  Honeymooners,  who 
lately  had  come  out  of  the  Trance  and  settled 
down  to  plain  Housekeeping,  had  to  organize 
a  little  Set  of  their  own. 

They  played  Ping-Pong  until  it  became  a 
Misdemeanor,  and  then  Mrs.  Frisbie  organized 
a  Reading  Circle  at  which  Works  were  read 
aloud  and  discussed.  The  Men  were  not  very 
strong  for  that  form  of  Revelry,  so  Mrs. 
Gillespie  started  in  to  revive  some  of  the  lively 
Games  she  had  learned  at  Boarding-School. 
She  had  them  doing  Charades,  also  Cross 
Questions  and  Daffy  Answers  and  another 

[i] 


TRUE    BILLS 

peculiarly  exciting  form  of  Lark  in  which 
every  one  wrote  something  on  a  piece  of 
Paper  and  dropped  it  in  a  Hat.  These  imita 
tion  Pastimes  are  not  calculated  to  keep  a 
Man  up  after  10  P.M.,  especially  if  he  has 
been  accustomed  to  playing  the  Ponies  and 
doubling  up  on  the  First  Eighteen.  In  a 
little  while  the  Suburban  Sextette  arrived  at 
the  end  of  the  String.  Jack-Straws  and  In 
door  Croquet  no  longer  thrilled  them.  Six- 
handed  Whist  seemed  to  be  out  of  the  Ques 
tion,  so  Mr.  Frisbie,  who  had  been  an  Indian 
before  he  did  the  Matrimonial  Stunt,  timidly 
suggested  that  Draw  was  about  the  only 
Game  that  would  keep  the  Blood  in  Circula 
tion  six  Nights  out  of  every  Week. 

Mrs.  Jinkins  laid  back  on  the  Proposition 
because  she  was  the  Soprano  in  a  Church 
Choir  and  did  not  wish  to  start  any  Talk. 
Mr.  Frisbie  and  Mr.  Gillespie  assured  her  that 
Ten-cent  Limit  was  not  Gambling,  because  it 
was  played  merely  for  Fun,  and  that  very 
often  one  would  play  all  Evening  and  lose 
only  a  Dollar  or  so,  or  perhaps  come  out  Even. 
[*] 


LONESOME    TROLLEY-RIDERS 

So  the  Gillespies  gave  a  Poker  Party.  All 
of  the  Leaves  were  taken  out  of  the  Dining- 
Room  Table  and  Mr.  Gillespie  had  six  Stacks 
all  counted  out  when  they  sat  down.  The 
Chips  were  two  Kopecks  per  Stack,  and  Mr. 
Gillespie  said  it  was  not  necessary  to  show 
any  Money  on  the  Table.  The  Minute  that 
he  started  in  to  Bank  on  this  Basis,  he  was 
Loser. 

Mrs.  Jinkins  sat  next  to  her  Husband  so 
that  he  could  look  at  her  Hand  every  time 
and  tell  her  what  to  do.  It  required  fifteen 
Minutes  to  explain  the  Values  of  the  Blues 
and  Reds  and  the  Significance  of  the  Buck, 
and  then  there  was  a  grand  Getaway.  Mr. 
Gillespie  requested  that  there  be  no  Talking 
and  his  Wife  said  she  had  just  one  more 
Question  to  ask — did  a  Flush  mean  all  of  one 
Color?  Then  he  asked  her  if  she  had  ever 
been  to  Night  School  and  she  gave  him  the 
Bessemer  Eye  and  there  was  a  painful  Silence, 
broken  only  by  Mrs.  Frisbie,  who  laid  down 
and  asked  if  four,  five,  six,  seven,  eight  meant 
anything.  At  which  everybody  else  ducked 
[3] 


TRUE    BILLS 

and  she  pulled  in  a  White  Bean  and  her  Hus 
band  told  her  she  ought  to  go  back  to  Jack- 
Straws;  but  she  said  she  didn't  care,  she  won 
Five  Cents.  He  told  her  to  boost  the  Ante 
whenever  she  had  a  Pat  Hand. 

During  the  next  Shuffle  Mrs.  Jinkins 
yawned  and  said  she  did  not  think  Poker  was 
much  Fun.  After  she  had  her  Hand,  she 
showed  it  to  her  Husband.  He  took  one  Look 
at  it  and  dropped  out.  Mr.  Gillespie  allowed 
that  Hoyle  did  not  say  anything  about  Part 
ners  in  Poker.  When  Mrs.  Jinkins  showed  up 
three  Bullets  and  bumped  him  for  Eighty 
Cents,  he  made  several  other  low  Cracks  about 
every  one  playing  his  or  her  own  Hand. 

It  was  evident  that  Mr.  Frisbie  and  Mr. 
Gillespie  were  the  only  two  who  were  up  on 
the  Game.  They  should  have  connected  with 
all  the  Coin,  only  the  Jinkins  Family  began 
to  ring  in  Miracles  on  them.  One  time  Mrs. 
Jinkins  drew  three  and  filled  a  rosy  Flush. 
Mr.  Gillespie  was  in  with  three  Type- Writers 
and  Mrs.  Frisbie  had  an  elegant  Full  House 
and  six  Cards  held  up.  They  fed  in  the 
[4] 


LONESOME  TROLLEY-RIDERS 

Checks  until  Mrs.  Gillespie  kicked  and  said 
it  began  to  look  like  real  Gambling,  and  then 
there  was  a  Show-Down.  Mrs.  Frisbie  seemed 
to  be  all  the  Money  until  they  counted  her 
Cards  on  her,  and  then  they  told  her  to  back 
out.  She  said  she  was  willing  to  throw  away 
one  Card,  but  it  didn't  go.  Mrs.  Jinkins 
took  the  Pot  and  made  so  much  Noise  about 
it  that  Mr.  Gillespie  began  to  act  peevish. 
Mrs.  Frisbie,  being  Flat,  swiped  one-half  of 
what  Mr.  Frisbie  had  and  never  let  on. 

Then  Mrs.  Gillespie  mistook  a  Four-spot 
for  a  Seven  and  was  cleaned  by  the  Jinkins 
Combination,  so  she  dug  into  the  Bank  and 
took  what  was  needed. 

About  10:30,  Mrs.  Gillespie,  who  had 
tapped  the  Bank  for  seven  large,  iron  Dol 
lars  and  played  them  in,  regardless,  said, 
Oh,  pshaw!  they  were  not  playing  in  real 
Earnest  anyway,  so  she  went  into  the  other 
Room  and  began  playing  "  Navajo  "  on  the 
Piano.  Mr.  Frisbie  had  won  $3  and  his  Wife 
had  pinched  it,  Twenty  Cents  at  a  Clip,  until 
he  was  down  to  one  Blue  and  two  Whites  and 
[5] 


TRUE    BILLS 

so  Sore  that  he  refused  to  speak  to  any  one. 
The  Jinkins  Duo  had  their  Heads  together 
every  Play.  By  trading  Cards  and  building 
up  Hands  they  succeeded  in  stinging  the 
Expert  about  three  times  out  of  four.  In 
the  final  Round  of  Roodles,  preceding  the 
Dutch  Lunch,  Mrs.  Jinkins  held  up  a  Tray 
and  a  Nine  and  filled,  and  that  was  when 
Gillespie  forgot  he  was  a  Gentleman  and  used 
some  of  the  Language  that  he  heard  at  a  Club. 

Mrs.  Jinkins  got  on  the  High  Horse  and 
cashed  in.  She  picked  out  the  right  Moment, 
because  she  had  $13  50  in  Velvet  thrown  up 
in  front  of  ker.  Gillespie  had  Tabs  against 
all  the  others,  but  they  went  right  in  to  help 
out  with  the  Music  and  left  him  there  to  Dig. 

Mrs.  Jinkins  said  it  didn't  seem  right  to 
take  all  that  Money,  but  she  got  away  with 
it,  just  the  same,  and  then  swore  off,  for  fear 
some  one  in  the  Church  would  hear  about  it. 

Mr.  Gillespie  still  has  the  Tabs. 

MORAL :  In  a  Family  Poker  Game  the  only 
Man  who  invariably  gets  Stung  is  the  Banker. 
[6] 


The  Fable  of  the  Poor   Woman   Who  Had 

to  Live  in  a  House  That  Was 

Over-run  by  Anecdotes. 

« 

A  GENTLEMAN '  with  several  Dia 
lects  once  married  a  Woman  because 
she  had  the  Sense  of  Humor. 

About  the  time  she  was  up-stream  with 
the  Bait,  but  before  he  had  used  the  Net, 
he  would  call  on  her  and  spring  a  Good 
One  every  little  while.  Whenever  he  told  a 
ripe  old  Scandinavian  Wheeze  or  an  Irish 
Bull  she  would  let  out  a  Whoop  and  keel 
right  over  among  the  Cushions.  He  was  an 
unqualified  Hit  and  ran  for  nearly  100 
Nights. 

"  She's  the  Strip  of  Calico  for  me,"  said 
the  Private  Comedian.  "  There's  no  chance 
of  a  Crust  forming  on  our  Married  Life,  for 
I  can  see  a  Future  all  rippling  with  Laugh 
ter.  I  shall  be  Funny  Man  and  she  can  play 
Audience." 

After  they  had  been  married  a  couple  of 
years   she   knew   his   whole   Repertoire   back 
wards.      He   had   a   collection   of   Hostetters 
[7] 


TRUE   BILLS 

that  made  Joe  Miller  seem  comparatively 
Recent  and  he  worked  them  off  every  time 
they  had  Company,  but  not  at  any  other 
Time. 

Her  sense  of  Humor  seemed  to  evaporate 
after  she  had  heard  some  4000  shine  Catches 
told  in  parlor  Dialect. 

The  story-telling  Man  dies  like  an  Outcast 
if  he  is  cut  out  of  his  usual  Stunts. 

In  order  that  the  Conversation  might  not 
lag  she  began  to  fill  in  by  telling  him  what 
she  thought  of  him. 

At  present  his  only  happy  Moments  come 
when  they  have  Friends  to  Dinner.  She  does 
not  dare  to  choke  him  off  and  there  is  a  tall 
Bouquet  in  the  Centre  of  the  Table  so  that 
he  cannot  see  her  Face. 

MORAL:  Only  a  very  appreciative  Wom 
an  en j oj^s  one  after  hearing  it  800  times. 


[8] 


The    Fable    of    the    Divided    Concern    That 
Was  Reunited   Under  a  New 
Management. 

if 

ONCE  upon  a  Time  there  was  a  Firm 
doing  Business  under  the  Name  of 
Hailfellow  and  Grouch. 

They  had  a  large  Retail  Establishment, 
upon  entering  which  the  Customer  was  greet 
ed  by  the  mingled  Odors  of  Kerosene,  Roasted 
Coffee,  Leather,  Herkimcr  County  Cheese, 
Navy  Plug,  Dried  Apples,  and  petrified  Cod 
fish.  In  the  good  old  Summer-Time  it  was 
not  necessary  to  go  into  the  Store  in  order  to 
get  the  complicated  Aroma.  Farmers  driv 
ing  by  could  come  very  near  guessing  what 
Hailfellow  and  Grouch  carried  in  Stock. 

The  Firm  did  a  Nice  Business  and  used 
to  split  quite  a  Piece  of  Money  every  January 
1st.  But  neither  one  was  satisfied.  Each 
felt  that  he  was  entitled  to  at  least  two- 
thirds  of  the  Net  Profits. 

Mr.  Hailfellow  was  the  Hand-Shaker  for 
the  Outfit.  His  Long  Suit  was  to  know 
everybody  and  call  him  bv  his  front  Name. 
[9]  ' 


TRUE    BILLS 

On  every  pleasant  Day  he  stood  in  front  of 
the  fragrant  Emporium,  in  his  Shirt  Sleeves, 
holding  a  public  Levee. 

He  was  a  quiet  Josher  and  knew  a  lot  of 
good  Jokes  that  he  had  once  heard  in  a 
Minstrel  Show  at  Columbus,  Ohio,  and  that 
made  him  very  strong  with  the  Country 
Trade. 

Furthermore,  he  was  a  good  Mixer.  He 
belonged  to  the  K.  P.'s  and  the  Odd  Fellows 
and  a  few  others,  so  that  about  four  Nights 
out  of  the  week  he  would  fill  his  Pockets  with 
mild  Smokers,  usually  neglecting  to  make  out 
a  Ticket,  and  then  he  would  pike  for  the 
Lodge-Room  and  let  his  Partner  and  the  Boy 
with  the  Pink  Shirt  attend  to  the  Store. 

If  there  was  an  Auction  Sale  or  a  Baseball 
Game  or  a  Circus  anywhere  within  a  Radius  of 
twenty  Miles,  then  Mr.  Hailfellow  would  put 
on  his  Dark  Suit  and  stand-up  Collar  and 
drive  over,  just  to  get  his  Mind  off  of  his 
Business.  In  one  Way  and  another  he  man 
aged  to  keep  his  Mind  off  of  Business  about 
seven-eighths  of  the  Time. 
[10] 


Mr.  Hailfellow^s  public  Levee. 


TRUE    BILLS 

Sometimes,  when  he  was  around  the  Store, 
and  there  was  a  Saturday  Rush,  he  would 
have  to  wait  on  a  few  Customers,  but  he  was 
a  shine  Salesman  because  he  never  could 
make  out  what  the  Cost-Mark  meant. 

Mr.  Grouch,  the  Partner,  possessed  a  Good 
Head  for  Business,  but  he  had  the  Social 
Disposition  of  a  Coffin-Trimmer.  While 
Hailfellow  would  be  up  and  down  the  Street, 
kidding  the  local  Population  and  making 
himself  well  liked,  Grouch  would  be  in  the 
back  end  of  the  Store  straightening  out  the 
Books  and  figuring  Discounts. 

Grouch  was  at  the  Store  by  7  o'clock 
every  Morning,  keeping  Tab,  for  fear  that 
some  one  who  was  No  Good  would  get  his 
Name  on  the  Books. 

Hailfellow  would  land  in  about  9.30  and 
open  the  Day  by  reading  the  Morning  Paper 
through  from  the  Weather  Bulletin  in  front 
to  the  Testimonials  on  the  last  Page.  After 
which  he  was  ready  to  go  out  and  plant  him 
self  on  a  Salt-Barrel  and  discuss  the  Issues  of 
the  Day. 

[18] 


Grouch  keeping  Tab. 


TRUE    BILLS 

Grouch  had  only  one  Day  off  in  Four 
Years,  and  then  he  had  to  attend  the  Funer 
al  of  a  Relative.  So  that  when  he  did  get 
a  Vacation  there  was  not  much  Enjoyment 
in  it. 

There  was  no  denying  his  Industry,  but 
no  one  liked  him.  He  seemed  to  have  some 
kind  of  an  inward  Grudge  against  every  one 
who  came  in  to  buy  a  Bill  of  Goods.  If  a 
Customer  remarked  that  it  was  a  Nice  Day, 
he  didn't  seem  to  believe  it.  The  Trade 
would  not  have  stuck  at  all,  had  it  not  been 
for  Hailfellow,  who  had  a  way  of  giving 
Stick  Candy  to  the  Kids  and  beautiful  Col 
ored  Pictures,  advertising  Breakfast  Foods, 
to  the  Women  Folks. 

Each  Partner  naturally  believed  that  he 
was  getting  the  Short  End  of  the  Arrange 
ment.  They  would  go  home  and  tell  their 
Troubles  to  the  Wives.  Mrs.  Hailfellow 
went  around  to  Sewing  Societies  and  Mission 
ary  Meetings  telling  how  Mr.  Hailfellow  had 
to  put  up  with  a  lot  and  was  really  the  one 
who  brought  all  the  Trade  to  the  Store. 
[14] 


Hailfellow  giving1  Stick  Candy  to 
the  Kids. 


TRUE    BILLS 

Mrs.  Grouch  loved  to  let  all  her  Friends 
know  that  her  Husband  slaved  like  a  Dog 
while  the  Partner  soldiered,  but,  just  the 
same,  always  came  in  on  the  cut-up  of  the 
Profits. 

When  the  Wives  begin  to  take  part  in  a 
Business  Row,  the  Dissolution  Notice  is  about 
Due. 

Hailfellow  and  Grouch  agreed  to  disagree. 
Hailfcllow  took  his  Share  and  opened  a  New 
Place  across  the  Street,  with  a  Gilt  Sign  and 
nickel-plated  Show-Cases. 

Almost  immediately  it  was  the  most  popu 
lar  Joint  in  Town.  At  Times  there  were  as 
many  as  ten  Men  sitting  around  the  Stove 
swapping  Fish  Stories.  Hailfellow  employed 
a  couple  of  Clerks  who  knew  more  about  a 
Cash  Register  than  the  Man  that  invented  it. 

He  issued  Pass-Books  to  all  those  who 
cared  for  his  Jokes.  The  Drummers  would 
jump  several  Towns  in  order  to  get  to  him  in 
a  Hurry,  because,  if  Hailfellow  liked  a  Drum 
mer,  he  would  order  a  thousand  gross  of 
Lamp  Chimneys  rather  than  appear  cold  and 

[16] 


DIVIDED    CONCERN 

unsociable.  In  a  short  time  he  had  a  Magnif 
icent  Stock,  but  he  could  not  remember  ex 
actly  how  much  it  cost  him.  So  he  sold  Goods 
at  whatever  seemed  to  be  Reasonable  and  the 
Farmers  drove  long  distances  so  as  to  give 
him  their  Trade. 

In  the  meantime  Grouch  was  reaping  the 
sure  Reward  of  one  who  is  not  kind  to  his 
Fellow-Man.  People  did  not  care  to  patron 
ize  one  whose  Conversation  consisted  very 
largely  of  Grunts,  and  why  should  they  do 
so  when  they  could  go  right  across  the  Street 
and  buy  Stuff  below  Cost,  and  a  Joke  given 
away  with  every  Purchase? 

Grouch  began  to  lose  Money  and  the  Rent 
ate  up  his  Invested  Capital.  At  last  the  Job 
bers  closed  in  on  him  and  asked  the  Sheriff 
to  step  in,  and  the  Sheriff  said  he  would  do  so 
as  soon  as  he  got  through  closing  up  the 
Hail  fellow  Matter. 

Mr.  Hailfellow  had  done  a  rushing  Busi 
ness.  He  owed  nearly  every  Wholesale 
House  west  of  New  York,  and  in  addition  to 
laying  up  the  most  remarkable  mess  of  Junk 
[17] 


TRUE    BILLS 

ever  seen  under  one  Roof,  he  had  collected 
the  Autograph  Signatures  of  all  the  Paupers 
in  the  County.  Four  Experts  worked  for  a 
Month  trying  to  find  out  where  he  stood,  and 
at  last  they  figured  out  Fourteen  Cents  on  the 
Dollar. 

It  is  always  pleasant  to  record  a  Recon 
ciliation.  After  all  their  Differences  and 
Misunderstandings,  Hailfellow  and  Grouch 
came  together  and  resumed  Friendly  Rela 
tions. 

Both  are  employed  by  a  New  Concern 
which  bought  up  the  Bankrupt  Stocks. 

Grouch  is  keeping  the  Books  at  not  very 
much  per  Month,  and  Hailfellow  receives  ex 
actly  the  same  Salary  for  standing  around 
the  front  Doorway  and  glad-handing  the 
Yaps. 

Which  proves  that  it  is  impossible  for  a 
Business  Man  to  side-step  his  Destiny. 

MORAL :  Pick  out  the  Other  Kind  for  a 
Partner. 

[18] 


The    Fable    of    the    Family    That    Worked 
Overtime  in  Taking  Care  of  Nellie. 

* 

ONCE  there  was  a  Happy  Family 
that  had  a  Cook  who  was  almost  too 
Good  to  be  True.  Her  name  was 
Nellie  and  she  had  come  from  down-trodden 
Europe,  where  Cooks  have  no  such  Rights  as 
they  enjoy  in  our  glorious  Country. 

The  Family  used  to  declare  that  Nellie  was 
the  best  single-handed  Waffle  Artist  in  the 
Business,  bar  none.  Her  Cream  of  Tomatoes 
made  an  awful  Hit  with  the  Company  and 
Duck  a  la  Nellie  was  very  hard  to  beat. 

All  the  Members  of  the  Household 
thought  so  much  of  Nellie,  especially  when 
they  remembered  some  of  the  Blacksmiths 
who  had  officiated  at  the  Range,  that  they 
wanted  to  give  her  a  Merry  Christmas.  They 
wanted  her  to  be  satisfied  with  her  Place  and 
stay  on  forever. 

Therefore  it  came  about  that  each  of  them, 

when  he  or  she  went  out  to   do  his   or  her 

Christmas     Shopping,     thought     to     itself: 

"  There  is  poor   Nellie.      She  has   no   Rela- 

[19] 


TRUE    BILLS 

tions  on  this  side  of  the  Water,  and  if  I  don't 
give  her  something,  she'll  be  left  entirely." 

So  Mother  gave  Nellie  a  swell  Imitation 
Lamb's-Wool  Jacket  and  Father  bought  her 
a  Goldine  Watch  that  pinned  on  in  front. 
One  of  the  Boys  gave  her  some  White  Gloves 
and  another  fixed  her  up  with  a  Brooch  that, 
if  it  had  been  real  Turquoise,  would  have  cost 
$1200.  The  Girls  clubbed  together  and  gave 
her  a  Twenty-eight-dollar  Zibeline  Suit  with 
Box  Pleats. 

On  Christmas  Morning  the  grateful  Nellie 
came  in  to  thank  them,  but  she  broke  down 
and  wept  into  the  Waffles. 

"  It's  a  Cinch,"  said  the  Family.  "  We've 
got  her  dead  to  Rights." 

A  few  Days  after  that  Nellie  attended  the 
Annual  Ball  given  by  the  Slavonic  Pleasure 
and  Democratic  Club.  When  she  swept  into 
the  Bali-Room  with  her  Zibeline,  her  Imita 
tion  Lamb's-Wool,  the  Brooch,  the  Watch, 
and  the  Gloves,  she  had  Upper  Fifth  Avenue 
held  to  a  Tie,  at  least. 

A  Butcher  named  Johnson  hung  around 
[20] 


TAKING   CARE   OF   NELLIE 

her  all  Evening  and  soon  began  coming  over 
to  the  House.  He  offered  Nellie  a  Home  and 
took  her  away. 

It  was  six  Months  before  the  Family  found 
another  Girl  who  could  cook  Waffles. 

MORAL:    Give  them  Helpful  Books. 


The  Fable  of  Successful  Tobias  and  Some  of 
His  Happy  New-Years. 

« 

ONCE  there  was  a  Financial  Heavy- 
Weight,    the    Mile-Stones    of    whose 
busy   Life   were   strung  back   across 
the    Valley    of    Tribulation    into    the    Green 
Fields  of  Childhood. 

Like  most  of  our  Aristocrats,  he  got  his 
Start  out  among  the  Corn-Rows. 

His  Youth  was  spent  very  happily,  but  he 
did  not  get  on  to  the  Fact  until  Years  later. 
He  used  to  work  Fourteen  Hours  per  for  his 
Board  and  Clothes,  and  his  only  Dissipation 
was  to  take  in  the  Swiss  Bell-Ringers  once 
every  Season. 

At  the  Close  of  every  Year  he  was  per- 

mitted  to  attend  a  Watch-Meeting  at  the  Mt. 

;Zion  Church.     The  Watch-Meeting  is  a  form 

of  Gayety  invented  a  long  time  ago  by  some 

one  who  was  not  feeling  well  at  the  Time. 

The  Outfit  were  supposed  to  sit  for  three  or 

four  Hours  on  the  hard  Benches,  meditating 

on  all  the  low-down,  ornery  Things  they  had 

done  during  the  Old  Year.     Some  of  them 

[22] 


His  only  Dissipation. 


TRUE    BILLS 

had  to  hurry  in  order  to  crowd  this  Line  of 
Meditation  into  a  brief  four  Hours. 

Now  and  then  a  local  High-Guy  with 
Throat  Whiskers  would  arise  and  talk  for  a 
short  time  on  the  Subject  of  Death,  and  won 
der  how  many  of  those  present  would  be  taken 
in  by  the  Grim  Reaper  during  the  New  Year. 

Just  at  Midnight  the  Sexton  would  toll 
the  Bell  so  as  to  cheer  every  one  up.  Then 
each  of  the  Merry-Makers  would  go  home 
and  eat  a  Piece  of  Mince  Pie  and  a  Belle 
Flower  Apple  and  retreat  to  the  Feathers, 
feeling  a  little  Ashamed  for  having  stayed 
up  so  Late. 

Later  On,  after  Tobias  moved  into  Town 
and  began  to  wear  Store  Clothes  and  Stand- 
Up  Collars  and  put  Oil  on  his  Hair,  he  en 
countered  another  kind  of  New-Year's  Day. 

The  Era  was  that  of  the  Open  House.  All 
the  Women  received,  and  the  Men  went  over 
the  entire  Circuit  and  traded  job-printed 
Cards  for  something  to  Eat  and  Drink. 

This  made  it  Fine  for  those  who  were  not 
ordinarily  invited  into  the  Best  Homes. 
[24] 


Permitted    to    attend    a    Watch- 
Meeting. 


TRUE    BILLS 

The  Men  roamed  about  in  Flocks  and  usu 
ally  they  had  a  Hard  Finish,  for  it  was  cus 
tomary  in  those  good  old  Days  of  Democratic 
Simplicity  for  every  True  Gentleman  to  take 
a  Drink  when  it  was  proffered  by  the  Hand 
of  Lovely  Woman. 

And  Lovely  Woman  seemed  to  regard  it 
as  her  Assignment  to  put  all  of  the  Nice 
Young  Fellows  to  the  Bad. 

It  was  customary  to  mix  Tea,  Coffee,  Sher 
bet,  Lemonade,  Egg-Nog,  Artillery  Punch, 
Fizzerine,  and  Straight  Goods  until  the 
Happy  New- Year  looked  like  a  scrambled 
Rainbow  and  the  last  Caller  was  Sozzled. 

Tobe  used  to  go  out  every  New- Year's  Day 
to  meet  the  Good-Lookers  and  fuss  around 
with  them,  for  those  were  his  Salad  Days. 
He  made  it  a  Combination  Salad  and  philan 
dered  with  about  Seven  before  he  took  the 
Big  Risk  and  bought  a  Home  with  a  Mort 
gage  Attachment  and  settled  down. 

Then  the  Happy  New- Year  began  to  have 
an  entirely  new  Meaning. 

He  drew  a  Red  Mark  around  January  1st, 
[26] 


SUCCESSFUL    TOBIAS 

for  that  was  the  Day  when  he  had  to  make  the 
Books  balance  and  take  up  some  big  Note 
that  was  hanging  over  him  like  a  Storm 
Cloud. 

His  usual  Plan  for  celebrating  the  Happy 
New- Year  was  to  sit  in  his  Office  figuring  on 
how  to  trim  the  Pay-Roll  and  sneak  up  Sell 
ing  Prices  and  keep  out  of  the  Sheriff's 
Hands  for  another  Twelve  Months. 

But  the  Time  came  when  Tobias  could  take 
out  a  Pencil  on  December  31st  and  compute  a 
Net  Profit  big  enough  to  fill  a  Furniture  Van. 

To  all  Intents  and  Purposes  he  had  come 
to  the  High  Ground  where  he  could  afford 
to  sit  down  for  a  while  and  enjoy  the  Scen 
ery. 

He  certainly  possessed  all  the  Accessories 
of  a  Happy  New- Year. 

He  had  a  Bank  Roll  and  a  House  on  the 
Boulevard  and  a  Wife  who  was  slowly  but 
surely  worming  her  Way  into  Society. 

He  had  a  Son  attending  a  high-priced 
University  and  gradually  accumulating  an 
Oxford  Accent,  while  his  Daughter  was  at  a 
[27] 


TRUE    BILLS 

School  which  used  the  French  Novel  as  a 
Text-Book. 

So,  after  all  these  Years  of  Struggling, 
Tobias  knew  what  it  was  to  have  a  genuinely 
Happy  New- Year. 

For  when  the  Children  came  Home  for  the 
Holiday  Vacation  the  busy  Mrs.  Tobias  gave 
a  big  Dancing  Party  on  New- Year's  Eve,  to 
say  nothing  of  a  couple  of  Luncheons  and  a 
Formal  Dinner. 

At  these  glittering  Functions  the  Family 
did  what  it  could  to  keep  Tobias  in  the  Back 
ground,  for  while  he  was  a  Corker  when  it 
came  to  doing  a  Fountain-Pen  Specialty 
with  a  Check-Book,  he  was  a  Frosted  Turnip 
when  chucked  into  a  Suit  costing  $100  and 
put  down  in  a  Marie  Antoinette  Apartment 
with  a  lot  of  Chaunceys  who  had  been  edu 
cated  in  the  East. 

He  celebrated  the  Glad  New- Year  by  stand 
ing  around  in  Doorways  and  looking  mourn 
fully  at  the  Light- Weights  who  were  doing 
the  Cotillon,  and  each  of  them  having  the 
Time  of  his  Life. 


Standing  around  in  Doorways. 


TRUE    BILLS 

He  saw  his  Wife  hob-nobbing  with  a 
Human  Pickerel  whose  only  Excuse  for  being 
on  Earth  was  that  he  looked  well  in  Evening 
Clothes. 

Daughter  was  dancing  with  a  lovely 
Specimen  of  the  night  -  blooming  Rounder, 
and  Son  was  passing  Cigarettes.  And  no 
one  was  paying  any  Attention  to  the  Pro 
vider. 

So  he  made  a  quiet  Retreat  to  his  own 
Room  and  had  a  Glass  of  Milk  sent  up,  and 
read  the  Market  Report,  and  managed  to  put 
in  a  Pleasant  Evening,  after  all,  seeing  the 
Old  One  out  and  the  New  One  in. 

MORAL:  One  New- Year  is  just  about  as 
Happy  as  another. 


[30] 


The  Fable  of  the  Red-Letter  Night  at  Smart- 
weed  Junction. 

•f 

ONCE  there  was  an  under-sized  Town 
that  had  the  Corn-Fields  sneaking 
up  on  all  sides  of  it,  trying  to  break 
over  the  Corporation  Line.  People  ap 
proaching  the  Town  from  the  North  could 
not  see  it,  because  there  was  a  Row  of  Willow- 
Trees  in  the  Way. 

Here  in  this  comatose  Settlement  lived  a 
Family  named  Pilkins.  The  Pilkinses  were 
all  the  Eggs  in  Smartweed.  They  owned  a 
big  General  Store  catty-cornered  from  the 
Court-House.  It  was  well  known  that  they 
sent  to  Chicago  for  their  Clothes  and  ate  Ice- 
Cream  in  the  Winter-Time.  The  Pilkins 
Girls  had  been  away  to  a  Convent  to  have 
their  Voices  sandpapered  and  fitted  to  a 
Piano  and  they  came  back  with  the  first  Gib 
son  Shirt- Waists  seen  in  those  Parts.  Most 
of  the  Girls  south  of  the  Tracks  were  just 
getting  wise  to  the  Russian  Blouse. 

Along  in  May  the  Pilkins  Family  made  its 
annual  Play  to  set  the  Prairies  on  fire.  Every 
[31] 


TRUE    BILLS 

Adult  in  Town,  except  those  who  had  Jail 
Records,  received  an  Engraved  Invitation  to 
come  up  to  the  Pilkins  House  and  take  a 
peek  at  High  Life.  Within  three  Days  you 
couldn't  buy  a  Yard  of  Wide  Ribbon  in  any 
Store  and  every  Second  Man  in  Mink  Pat 
terson's  Barber  Shop  asked  for  a  Hair-Cut. 
The  R.  S.  V.  P.  down  in  one  Corner  of  the 
Bid  had  some  of  the  Brethren  guessing  for  a 
while.  There  was  no  need  of  putting  that 
on.  It  was  an  immortal  Cinch  that  every  one 
would  turn  out,  if  he  had  to  be  moved  in  on  a 
Cot.  About  the  only  Entertainments  they 
had  in  Smartweed  Junction  were  "  Uncle 
Tom  "  under  a  Tent  and  the  Indian  Medicine 
Troupe.  Therefore,  nobody  was  going  to 
pass  up  the  Pilkins  Jamboree,  for  there  was 
to  be  an  imported  Orchestra,  costing  $75, 
and  Meals  provided,  and  the  City  Caterer 
was  to  bring  his  own  Waiters. 

Everybody  went  home  early  that  Day  so 

as  to  take  a  good,  thorough  Scouring  before 

getting   into    his    Other    Clothes.      At   Dusk 

they  began  wending  their  Way  towards  the 

[32] 


Pegged  out   and   treated   to   Bach 
Music. 


TRUE    BILLS 

Pilkins  Place,  all  looking  a  little  worried  and 
apprehensive.  They  were  sorted  out  at  the 
Front  Door  and  led  into  Dressing-Rooms, 
pegged  out  along  the  Walls,  fed  on  Maca 
roons,  and  treated  to  large  Bunches  of  Bach 
Music.  Every  half-hour  or  so  somebody 
would  say  something,  and  that  would  be  a 
Cue  for  the  others  to  shift  their  Feet. 

The  Punch-Bowl  got  the  Cold  Eye  until  it 
was  learned  that  the  Dyestuff  was  Aniline 
and  not  Rum,  and  then  they  stood  around 
and  dipped  in  until  they  were  blue  under  the 
Ears. 

About  11  o'clock  the  Japanese  Lanterns 
began  to  burn  up  and  a  large  number  of 
People  whose  Feet  wpre  hurting  them  could 
be  seen  quietly  Ducking.  The  Home  Paper 
said  it  was  the  Event  of  the  Season. 

MORAL :  Eat,  Drink,  and  be  Merry,  for 
to-morrow  ye  Die. 


[34] 


The  Fable   of   What  Horace  Stood  For  in 
Order  to  Land  the  Queen. 

* 

ONCE  there  was  a  Lover  who  was  on 
the  Ragged  Edge  of  the  Desert 
where  the  Old  Bachelors  live. 

He  was  good  and  tired  of  the  Aristocratic 
Boarding-House,  in  which  one-half  of  the 
Women  Folks  are  Private  Detectives.  This 
thing  of  living  in  a  Pigeon-Hole  and  looking 
out  at  a  Tin  Roof  had  lost  all  Rarity  and 
Charm  for  Horace. 

He  had  gazed  into  the  barren  Future  and 
made  up  his  mind  to  Marry,  even  if  he  had 
to  choke  some  Nice  Girl  in  order  to  force  her 
to  say  "  Yes."  He  was  all  keyed  up  for 
Matrimony,  and  the  next  thing  to  do  was  to 
choose  the  Lucky  Bride. 

Horace  had  done  more  or  less  rehearsing 
and  he  was  wise  to  the  Fact  that  it  is  just  as 
easy  to  love  a  Girl  who  has  the  Coin  as  it  is  to 
get  dippy  over  the  Honest  Working-Girl. 
Some  Men  imagine  that  the  Foxy  Play  is  to 
grab  off  something  that  never  owned  any 
Sunbursts  and  Sable  Wraps,  and  probably 
[35] 


TRUE    BILLS 

she  will  be  satisfied  with  Department-Store 
Belt  Buckles  and  Nearsilk  Trimmings. 

But  Horace  observed  that  those  who  never 
had  been  strong  enough  to  throw  on  the  Lugs 
while  they  were  living  at  Home,  were  the 
very  ones  who  put  Crimps  into  the  Bank  Ac 
count  before  the  Honeymoon  played  out. 

Horace  often  suspected  that  some  of  them 
hooked  up  merely  to  get  a  Whack  at  the 
Finery.  But  then,  Horace  was  a  regular  old 
Cynic. 

So  he  decided  that  he  would  pick  one 
whose  Folks  had  already  bought  for  her 
about  everything  she  would  need. 

After  travelling  the  Beat  for  a  Month  and 
putting  down  Names  in  his  Pocket  Memoran 
dum-Book,  he  drew  a  Red  Mark  around  the 
Name  of  Lucille,  and  the  same  Day  he  sent 
her  some  Orchids  and  a  New  Book  that  he 
knew  she  would  Enjoy,  because  it  had  such  a 
Sweet  Love-Story  running  through  it. 

Soon  after  that  the  Girl  at  Central  began 
to  know  all  about  the  Progress  of  the  Affair. 
Lucille  was  all  around  the  Neighborhood  as- 
[36] 


WHAT    HORACE    STOOD    FOR 

suring  People  that,  although  Horace  had 
been  lovely  to  her  and  she  esteemed  him  as 
one  of  her  dearest  and  kindest  Friends,  there 
was  really  and  truly  nothing  doing.  Conse 
quently,  every  one  could  see  how  it  was 
going  to  turn  out. 

Horace  had  fondly  supposed  that  the 
Recipe  for  becoming  engaged  was  simply  to 
warm  up  to  the  Girl  until  he  could  Hold 
Hands  without  using  Brute  Force,  and  then 
wait  for  the  Psychological  Moment.  So  one 
Night  when  Lucille  looked  up  into  his  Eyes 
and  said  he  was  different  from  any  other 
Gentleman  she  had  ever  met,  he  came  back 
with  the  Speech.  Her  only  Reply  was  to 
slip  him  one  of  Papa's  Business  Cards  which 
she  had  ready  for  the  Occasion. 

"  Go  and  square  yourself  with  him,"  said 
Lucille. 

Next  Morning,  Horace,  wearing  his  best 
Bib  and  Tucker  (also  8,000,000  Goose  Pim 
ples),  was  shown  into  Papa's  Office.  First  he 
had  to  tell  all  about  his  Assets  and  his  Busi 
ness  Experience,  but  that  didn't  take  long. 
[37] 


Horace  was   shown  into  Papa's 
Office. 


WHAT    HORACE    STOOD    FOR 

Then  he  told  how  much  he  saved  every  Month. 
If  he  swelled  it  a  little,  it  was  because  he 
loved  the  Girl. 

After  he  had  answered  all  the  Questions,  he 
had  to  sit  and  listen  to  that  well-known  Mono 
logue  which  is  the  Prize  Specialty  of  the 
Self-Made  Party  who  began  Life  by  working 
for  Seven  Dollars  per  Month  and  saving  Five 
Dollars  of  it.  Lucille's  Father  said  that 
Young  Men  nowadays  are  too  extravagant 
and  not  half  as  Industrious  and  Keen  as  he 
had  been  about  the  Time  that  he  escaped  from 
the  Farm.  He  sat  there  and  hurled  Bouquets 
at  himself  until  his  Arm  gave  out,  after  which 
he  told  Horace  to  go  and  fix  it  with  Lucille's 
Mother. 

Mother  wanted  to  know,  first,  if  he  was 
willing  to  be  married  in  the  Episcopalian 
Church.  He  had  to  tell  all  about  his  Family. 
She  seemed  much  relieved  when  she  learned 
that  he  had  Relatives  in  Virginia.  Horace 
knew  that  part  of  it  would  be  all  right — un 
less  she  should  happen  to  sec  the  Relatives 
some  Day. 

[39] 


TRUE    BILLS 

She  told  him  why  a  House  was  preferable 
to  a  Flat  and  scratched  two  or  three  of  his 
Suggestions  for  Lashers.  After  letting  him 
know  that  he  would  cut  but  little  Ice  at  the 
Ceremony,  she  suggested  that  he  go  over 
and  make  himself  solid  with  Uncle  Samu 
el,  because  he  had  been  accustomed  to 
hold  Lucille  on  his  Knee  when  she  was  a  mere 
Tot. 

And,  of  course,  that  gave  him  a  right  to 
butt  in  on  all  Family  Issues. 

Uncle  Samuel  asked  Horace  what  Church 
he  attended  regularly.  The  only  thing  that 
saved  Horace  was  that  he  happened  to  remem 
ber  the  Name  of  a  Church.  Horace  tried  to 
side-step  the  Questions  about  Drinking  and 
Smoking,  but  Uncle  pinned  him  down,  so  he 
said  that  he  had  been  tempted  but  he  had 
not  fallen,  as  yet. 

After  running  the  Family  Gauntlet,  Hor 
ace  heaved  a  Sigh  of  Relief  and  believed  that 
he  had  clinched  all  the  Preliminaries.  Not  so. 
He  had  forgotten  to  fix  it  up  with  his  own 
Firm. 

[40] 


WHAT    HORACE    STOOD    FOR 

An  Employe  can  go  on  the  outside  and  do 
almost  anything  and  the  Firm  will  not  inter 
fere,  but  the  Minute  he  talks  Marry,  then 
old  Mr.  Side-Whiskers  sends  for  him  to  come 
to  the  Private  Office.  The  reason  for  this  is 
that  every  Antique  in  the  Wholesale  District 
has  a  lot  of  cut-and-dried  Advice  which  he 
loves  to  unload  on  any  one  who  is  compelled 
to  stand  and  take  it.  So  Horace  learned 
from  his  respected  Boss  that  for  two  or  three 
Years  the  Couple  should  live  on  Cereal  Food 
and  make  their  own  Clothes. 

The  next  Bunch  of  Warning  and  Advice 
came  from  the  True  Friends  at  the  Club. 
They  put  him  down  at  a  Table  and  sat  around 
him  and  inhaled  the  Scotch  until  they  were 
all  Pie-Eyed,  and  then  they  told  him  what  a 
Horrible  Risk  he  was  taking,  and  how  not 
more  than  a  half-dozen  Married  Men  in  town 
seemed  really  happy,  and,  although  she  was 
a  Nice  Girl,  she  had  been  engaged  two  or 
three  times  before,  and  Mother-in-Law  would 
be  a  fierce  Proposition. 

For  a  Hammer  Duet,  the  Men's  Club 
[41] 


TRUE    BILLS 

makes  the  Boiler- Works  seem  like  the  Hush 
of  Death. 

The  Reader  may  suspect  that  Horace  was 
actuated  by  Mercenary  Motives.  However, 
the  fact  that  he  went  the  Rounds  and  listen 
ed  to  every  one  and  then  married  the  Girl 
proves  that  he  truly  loved  her. 

MORAL:   Elope. 


The  Fable  of  the  Boy   with   the  Steadfast 
Ambition. 

« 

IN  a  Small  Place  where  the  Local  Freight 
stopped  to  rake  out  the  Ashes  and  pick 
up  a  Car  of  Produce,  there  was  a  Boy 
who  had  set  his  Heart  on  being  a  Railroad 
Man.     He  would  go  down  to  the  Depot  and 
look  at  the  Head  Brakeman  on  No.  4,  and 
say  to  himself :    "  Some  Day  I  shall  be  like 
him  if  I  improve  my  Opportunities  and  learn 
to  make  a  Coupling  on  the  Run  without  the 
use  of  a  Stick." 

He  was  down  flipping  the  Trains  every 
Day,  in  defiance  of  the  Town  Marshal,  and 
he  wore  a  flat-topped  Hat,  and  Braid  on  his 
Clothes,  and  chewed  Conductor's  Delight. 
All  that  he  needed  to  be  a  real  Railroader 
was  a  large  Silver  Watch  and  a  few  Orders 
written  on  yellow  Tissue-Paper. 

It  was  a  Proud  Day  when  they  put  him  on 
an  Extra  Run,  for  then  he  was  privileged 
to  speak  of  the  Superintendent  as  the  Old 
Man  and  wave  his  hand  at  all  the  Dining- 
Room  Girls  along  the  Line. 
[43] 


TRUE    BILLS 

Just  as  he  was  becoming  well  acquainted 
with  all  the  Agents  and  Operators  and  had  ac 
quired  a  large  Vocabulary  to  be  used  in  cuss 
ing  the  Engineer,  he  got  what  seems  to  be 
due  every  Brakeman.  He  was  a  little  slow  in 
withdrawing  the  Left  Fin  and  the  Bumpers 
caught  him.  When  he  came  out  of  the  Hospi 
tal  his  Left  Hand  looked  like  a  Pair  of  Scis 
sors.  Then  he  was  a  sure-enough  Railroader. 
He  went  back  on  the  Road,  and  the  next  time 
they  landed  him  Right.  He  got  mixed  up 
in  a  head-on  Collision  and  a  Gravel  Train 
piled  up  on  top  of  him.  By  the  time  the 
Surgeons  had  pared  away  what  wouldn't  be 
any  more  use  to  him  he  was  trimmed  down 
to  about  three-quarters  Size.  As  soon  as  he 
got  his  Crutches  he  went  back  and  got  a 
Job  on  a  Crossing,  where  his  Duties  were  to 
wave  a  Red  Flag  and  criticise  the  Policy  of 
the  Road.  One  Day  his  Uncle,  a  well-to-do 
Citizen,  came  along  and  said  to  what  was  left 
of  him :  "  If  you  had  taken  my  Advice,  you 
would  be  a  successful  Business  Man  with  the 
usual  number  of  Arms  and  Legs." 
[44] 


STEADFAST    AMBITION 

Then  the  Remnant  replied  as  follows: 
"  When  the  Choo-Choo  Microbe  begins  to 
work  on  a  Man,  he  would  rather  be  a  crip 
pled  Brakeman  than  an  athletic  Bank  Presi 
dent." 

MORAL :  He  whose  Soul  is  in  Railroading 
never  objects  to  being  Marked  Up  a  little. 


[45] 


The  Fable  of  the  Unfortunate  Has-Been  and 
the  Sympathetic  Conductor. 

« 

IN  an  open-faced  Car  sat  a  glib  Person 
and  a  decrepit  Old  Gentleman  with  a 
haggard  and  sorrowful  Frontispiece. 

The  two  dropped  into  a  Conversation  and 
soon  began  opening  up  their  Private  Affairs, 
according  to  the  Western  Fashion.  The  glib 
Party  told  how  much  he  was  drawing  and 
how  he  invested  it,  and  all  about  several  gigan 
tic  Schemes  that  he  had  under  his  Cuff.  The 
Antique  with  the  pall-bearing  Face  did  not 
enthuse. 

"  Young  Man,  you  will  learn  that  Life  is 
a  series  of  wasted  Opportunities  and  vain  Re 
grets,"  he  said.  "  When  you  are  all  in  and 
a  new  Generation  comes  along  and  gives  you 
a  good  swift  Bump  and  you  light  on  your 
Back  over  by  the  Fence,  then  you  can  lie 
there  and  look  up  at  the  Sky  and  count  the 
Good  Things  that  got  past  you." 

With  that  the  broken  -  hearted  Patriarch 
sprang  a  lovely  Bundle  of  Hard-Luck  Tales. 
He  pointed  out  a  Corner  Lot,  now  valued  at  a 
[46] 


The  Antique  with  the  pall-bearing 
Face. 


TRUE    BILLS 

Half -Million,  that  had  heen  offered  to  him 
for  $350.  Once  he  had  been  given  a  Chance 
to  trade  a  second-hand  Buggy  for  a  half-in 
terest  in  a  Patent  that  netted  a  couple  of 
Thousand  each  Day.  The  Stock  in  the 
Street  Railway  Company  he  closed  out  at 
seven.  Afterward  it  went  to  293. 

"  I  used  to  own  the  Ground  where  the 
First  National  stands,"  he  said,  with  Tears 
in  his  Eyes.  "  Like  a  blithering  Pin-Head, 
I  traded  it  for  a  Team  of  Mules.  If  I  hadn't 
been  all  kinds  of  a  Ninny,  I  could  have  got 
in  on  the  Ground  Floor  of  the  Standard  Oil. 
And  now  I'm  getting  too  old  and  weak  to  kick 
myself." 

At  the  next  Corner  the  ancient  Wreck 
alighted  and  tottered  on  his  Way. 

"Is  it  not  a  Sad  Case?"  said  the  Young 
Man  to  the  Conductor.  "  How  bitter  must 
be  his  reflections  when  he  counts  up  what  he 
might  have  nailed  if  he  had  been  Foxy." 

"  Yes,  I  feel  sorry  for  him,"  said  the 
Humane  Conductor,  who  was  drawing  Eight 
Dollars  per  Week.  "  All  he  can  show  is  a 
[48] 


UNFORTUNATE    HAS-BEEN 

measly  Two  Millions.  What  breaks  his  Heart 
is  that  he  doesn't  own  both  sides  of  the  Street 
and  the  Green  Cars  that  run  in  between." 

MORAL :   The  Kicker  is  the  Man  who  gets 
Part  of  it. 


[49] 


Fable  of  Another  Brave  Effort  to  Infuse 
Gentility  into  our  Raw  Civilization. 


ONCE    there    was    a    beautiful    Speci 
men  of  Veal  named  Oliver. 
He  had  some  Collateral  which  was 
not  to  be  getatable  until  he  had  attained  his 
Majority.       The    frugal    Relative    who    be 
queathed  the  Bundle  had  cut  his  own  Hair  and 
lived  on  Oatmeal  for  Years  so  as  to  get  ahead 
of  the  Game.     In  the  Will  there  was  a  Pro 
viso  that  Ollie  should  come  into  His  when  he 
had  arrived  at  the  Age  of  Discretion. 

Theoretically,  any  one  who  is  twenty-one 
knows  which  way  to  Vote  and  how  to  protect 
his  Capital. 

In  Reality,  some  Men  vote  like  Pigeons 
even  after  they  are  going  on  sixty-two,  and 
all  the  Front  Rooms  at  the  Poor-House  are 
occupied  by  Elderly  Gentlemen  who  start 
ed  in  at  forty  to  whip-saw  the  Grain  Mar 
ket. 

Ollie's    People    brought    him    up    on    the 
Cheaps  so  that  he  would  learn  to  be   Close 
and  not  frivol  his  Money.     He  wore  Hand- 
[50] 


ANOTHER    BRAVE    EFFORT 

me-downs  and  Reversible  Cuffs.  He  had  one 
Cravat  for  Week-Days  and  a  Black  Satin 
Effect  with  a  Red  Coral  Pin  for  Sundays. 
If  he  wanted  a  Pack  of  Cigarettes  he  had  to 
hold  out  when  he  did  the  Marketing.  All  of 
his  Smoking  was  done  in  Freight-Cars,  for 
he  was  watched  all  the  while,  lest  he  should 
fall  into  Bad  Habits. 

On  the  Day  which  made  him  twenty-one 
Ollie  procured  him  a  Red  Check-Book  and  be 
gan  to  experiment  with  it. 

For  Years  he  had  nursed  an  Ambition  to  be 
a  Nobby  Dresser.  Now  that  he  had  broken 
out  and  had  Uncle's  Stuff  right  in  his  Kick, 
there  was  nothing  to  prevent  him  from  going 
as  far  as  he  liked. 

So  he  ordered  some  Hot  Suits  with  Silk 
Facing  on  the  Lapels,  and  a  fawn-colored 
Overcoat  with  Pearl  Buttons  about  the  size 
of  Water-Crackers. 

He  began  to  wear  Patent-Leather  Shoes  all 

the  time  and  bought  a  large  Spark  for  his 

Third  Finger.     After  he  got  into  his  Gleeful 

Garments  any  one  could  tell,  even  by  looking 

[51] 


All    his    Smoking    was    done  in 
Freight-Cars. 


ANOTHER    BRAVE    EFFORT 

at  him  from  across  the  Street,  that  he  was 
one  of  the  Sure-Enoughs. 

As  soon  as  Ollie  started  to  sprinkle  his  Cur 
rency  up  and  down  the  principal  Thorough 
fares,  he  began  to  have  a  haunting  Fear  that 
some  one  might  overlook  the  Fact  that  he  was 
a  Thoroughbred. 

After  a  Family  has  had  its  Money  for 
three  or  four  Centuries,  it  gets  out  of  the 
Habit  of  courting  Sidewalk  Comment.  But  a 
Nice  Young  Fellow  of  Gentle  Birth  who  has 
been  carrying  his  Roll  some  thirty  Minutes 
has  to  go  around  opening  Cold  Quarts  and 
telling  how  Good  he  is,  or  else  the  General 
Public  would  be  a  long  time  in  finding  out 
about  it. 

Ollie  bought  for  a  great  many  disinter 
ested  Acquaintances  who  told  him  right  to  his 
Face  that  he  was  a  Gentleman  of  the  Deepest 
Dye.  And  the  way  he  roasted  Waiters  and 
Cabmen  was  calculated  to  convince  the  most 
Sceptical. 

When  he  went  travelling,  he  always  stopped 
at  the  Hotel  that  had  the  largest  Mirrors  on 
[53] 


TRUE    BILLS 

the  Wall.  All  who  heard  him  when  he  pound 
ed  on  the  Desk  and  demanded  the  Best  Room 
in  the  House  knew  that  they  were  standing 
in  the  presence  of  the  Young  Squire  from 
Yapville-on-the-Crick. 

It  was  quite  a  Job  that  Ollie  had  mapped 
out  for  himself.  He  was  going  to  impress  the 
World.  And  such  a  large  World  at  that ! 

However,  he  tackled  it  bravely.  He  knew 
that  in  order  to  back  up  the  Pearl  Buttons 
and  the  Twenty-two-karat  Ring  he  must 
needs  be  a  Sport. 

At  the  Track  he  loved  to  make  a  Swell  Bet 
merely  to  cause  Talk.  He  did  not  care  to 
Win.  A  Winner  never  gets  a  Reputation 
for  being  Dead  Game.  The  Boy  who  feeds 
in  his  large  Bills  without  letting  on  is  the 
one  who  wins  the  sincere  Admiration  of  those 
who  stand  around  such  Places. 

Ollie  loved  to  stroll  up  to  the  Wheel  and 
fool  around  with  a  long  Stack  of  Blue  Chips 
and  get  Stung  for  a  paltry  Hundred,  and 
then  stretch  himself,  as  if  longing  for  Excite 
ment,  while  all  the  Eight-dollar-a-week  Fel- 
[54] 


Ollie  procured  a  red  Check-Book. 


TRUE    BILLS 

lows  looked  at  him  in  Awe  and  repeated  his 
Name  in  Whispers.  That  was  the  kind  of 
Glory  that  Ollie  was  after. 

He  began  to  have  some  Trouble  in  getting 
Things  that  were  good  enough  for  him.  He 
paid  Seven  Dollars  apiece  for  his  Shirts,  as  a 
great  many  People  afterward  learned,  and  the 
Tobacconist  had  to  send  away  for  a  Special 
Brand  of  Thirty-cent  Cigars  because  Ollie 
hated  the  Cheap  Kind.  While  out  shopping,, 
if  the  Salesman  showed  him  a  Pair  of  Silk 
Pa  jams  for  Sixteen  Dollars,  he  always  wanted 
to  know  if  they  didn't  have  something  for 
Eighteen  Dollars. 

He  bought  the  first  Auto  ever  seen  in  the 
Place  and  took  in  the  whole  Circuit  of  Road- 
Houses  every  Day.  Although  six  Months 
away  from  a  Buttermilk  Diet,  he  began  to 
know  all  about  Vintage  Wines.  He  wore 
White  Kid  Gloves  in  the  Morning  and  used 
three  Quarts  of  Violet-Water  in  his  Bath. 
He  had  more  than  two  hundred  Cravats, 
mostly  Blue,  and  he  went  in  for  open-work 
Socks  with  his  Monogram  worked  on  the  Side. 
[56] 


ANOTHER    BRAVE    EFFORT 

At  the  Theatre,  he  insisted  on  the  Stage 
Box,  and  if  the  straw-colored  Soubrine  smiled 
at  him  he  sent  her  a  cart-wheel  of  Violets 
worth  Forty  Dollars. 

His  Suspender  Buckles  had  Rubies  set  in 
them  and  he  wore  Inlaid  Buttons  with  his 
Evening  Clothes. 

He  was  a  Gentleman  from  away  back. 
Everybody  said  that.  He  did  not  give  any 
one  a  Chance  to  think  differently. 

Ollie  was  ready  to  go  to  any  Length  in 
order  to  demonstrate  that  he  was  Fine  and 
Fancy. 

One  Day  he  counted  up  what  he  had  left 
of  Uncle's  Money,  and  figured  that  if  he  con 
tinued  to  be  the  Real  Thing  he  would  last 
for  about  six  Months. 

He  suspected  that  it  would  be  a  very  foxy 
Move  to  begin  to  economize,  but  he  was  too 
proud  to  sacrifice  that  Reputation  which  he 
had  built  up  with  so  much  painful  Effort. 
He  couldn't  bear  the  Thought  of  having  it 
said  that  he  was  Piking  and  flying  low. 

Besides,  he  decided  that  he  could  avoid 
[57] 


He    would    last    for    about    six 
Months. 


ANOTHER    BRAVE    EFFORT 

going  over  the  Dump  by  jumping  into  the 
Stock  Market  and  buying  1000  Shares  of 
something  that  was  about  to  advance  forty 
Points. 

So  he  took  some  Advice,  and  now,  this  Janu 
ary,  he  is  wearing  the  fawn-colored  Benjamin 
with  the  Pearl  Buttons,  also  the  open-work 
Socks  with  the  Monograms. 

But  he  has  this  Consolation.  All  the  other 
Has-Beens  who  stand  around  the  Radiator 
with  him,  waiting  for  somebody  to  come  in 
and  Say  Something,  agree  that  he  was  a  Bird 
for  the  time  being. 

MORAL:  The  Gentleman  Business  is 
handicapped  by  Overproduction  and  too 
much  Competition. 


[59] 


The  Fable  of  How  Gertrude  Could  Keep  It 
Up  until  Ten  O'Clock  in  the  Morning. 

f 

GERTRUDE   had   a   Pa   who   wanted 
to  know. 
"  It's  all  right  to  have  your  Har 
olds  around  the  House,"  he  said,  "  but  why 
do  you  sit  up  half  the  Night  every  time  one 
of  them  calls?" 

"  It  is  the  Custom  and  it  keeps  him  away 
from  the  Bar-Rooms,"  she  replied. 

"  You  may  be  doing  it  from  a  Sense  of 
Duty,  but  you  will  have  to  show  me,"  said  her 
Father.  "  What  in  the  Name  of  all  Get-Out 
do  you  find  to  talk  about?  That  one  that's 
been  around  here  lately  could  tell  all  he 
knows  in  twenty-five  Minutes.  Any  time 
that  he  fills  in  from  eight  o'clock  to  Midnight 
he  certainly  has  to  do  some  Vamping." 

"  I  assure  you  that  he  is  a  swell  Converser," 
said  Gertrude.  "  I  could  sit  and  listen  to  him 
by  the  Hour." 

"  If  ever  I  sit  and  listen  to  him  by  the 
Hour,  it  will  be  to  win  a  large  Bet,"  said  her 
Parent. 

[60] 


Gertrude  and  Harold. 


TRUE    BILLS 

That  Night  the  inquisitive  Father  got  be 
hind  a  Curtain  and  listened.  Harold  had  a 
Half-Nelson  on  Gertie  and  was  trying  to 
make  it  appear  that  he  thought  well  of  her. 

"  I  don't  believe  you  like  me,"  said  Ger 
trude. 

"  Oh  yes,  I  do,"  quoth  Harold. 

"  No,  you  don't." 

"Yes,  I  do." 

"  No,  you  don't." 

"  Yes,  I  do." 

On  the  seventy-second  "  Yes,  I  do  "  there 
was  a  Shriek  and  Gertrude's  Pa  came  through 
the  Curtains,  having  a  Fit. 

MORAL:  Any  kind  of  Conversation  goes 
in  a  Clinch. 


[63] 


The   Fable    of   How    the   Fearless    Favorite 
from  St.  Louis  Flagged  the  Hot- 
Looker  Across  the  Way. 

€• 

ONCE  there  was  a  Salesman  who  han 
dled  dried  Fruits  and  registered 
from  Saint  Louey.  He  could  tell 
about  the  Big  Bridge  and  the  Union  Station 
and  had  a  fifteen-minute  Spiel  touching  on 
and  appertaining  to  Desiccated  Apples  that 
was  calculated  to  land  the  cross-roads  Wana- 
maker. 

Clarence,  for  such  was  his  Name,  had  the 
Fatal  Gift  of  Beauty  and  he  was  Wise  to  the 
Fact.  He  hated  to  turn  out  the  Light  at 
Night  and  have  all  his  Good  Looks  go  to 
waste  for  Hours  at  a  Stretch. 

What  Nature  had  failed  to  do  for  him  he 
did  for  himself.  He  kept  his  Neck  neatly 
shaved  and  put  Heliotrope  on  his  Eyebrows 
and  drank  Florida  Water  to  kill  his  Cigarette 
Breath  before  dashing  into  Society. 

When  Clarence  had  polished  up  his  Rings 
and  Stud  with  a  Piece  of  Chamois  and  got 
into  his  Sack-Suit  with  the  up-and-down 
[63] 


Clarence  had  the  Fatal  Gift  of 
Beauty. 


THE    FEARLESS    FAVORITE 

Stripe  and  put  on  his  nobby  white  Hat  with 
the  black  Band,  you  may  think  that  he  de 
spised  himself,  but  he  did  not.  It  was  like 
breaking  Home  Ties  for  him  to  say  good 
bye  to  a  Mirror. 

Clarence  was  not  entirely  to  blame  for 
being  so  Popular  with  himself.  A  good  many 
of  the  swellest  Dining-Room  Girls  on  the 
Short  Line  between  Herodsburg  and  Van- 
dalia  had  fought  for  the  Privilege  of  bring 
ing  him  his  Ribs  of  Beef  with  Brown  Pota 
toes. 

Whenever  he  unpacked  at  a  Hotel  he  put 
a  Photograph  of  Himself  out  on  the  Dresser, 
so  as  to  make  the  Room  more  cheerful. 

One  Day  it  befell  that  Clarence,  the  Wom 
an-Catcher,  was  riding  in  a  Day  Coach,  and 
having  a  great  deal  of  Trouble  with  his  Cuffs 
because  they  would  not  stay  out  the  right 
Length.  Now  and  then  he  looked  out  of  the 
Window,  so  as  to  give  the  Ladies  behind  a 
chance  at  his  Profile. 

At  one  of  the  Stations  something  tailor- 
made  with  more  than  the  usual  number  of 
[65] 


TRUE    BILLS 

Eyes  and  the  Style  of  a  Frohman  Leading 
Lady  blew  into  the  Car  and  seated  herself 
opposite  fascinating  Clarence.  He  immedi 
ately  tossed  one  Arm  over  the  Back  of  the 
Seat  so  that  she  could  get  a  Flash  at  the  four- 
ounce  Ring  with  the  three  Rock-Crystals  in 
it.  Also  he  began  to  do  a  Series  of  Living 
Pictures,  at  the  same  time  sizing  her  care 
fully.  She  was  about  the  gowniest  he  had 
seen  since  pulling  out  of  Sedalia,  and  he  de 
cided  that  it  was  up  to  him  to  get  acquainted. 

He  knew  that  he  was  taking  a  Chance,  but 
an  ordinary  Toss  had  no  Terrors  for  one  ac 
customed  to  grappling  with  the  Country 
Trade.  So  he  took  from  his  Grip  a  Copy  of 
Widow  in  Name  Only,  by  Ethel  Gilblitz, 
author  of  Lingering  Love,  and  the  first  thing 
she  knew  he  was  asking  her  if  she  wanted 
something  to  read. 

Instead  of  trying  to  jump  out  of  the  Win 
dow,  she  received  him  with  a  glad  Smile  and 
moved  over  so  as  to  make  Room.  At  that 
Moment  he  realized  that  a  Handsome  Boy 
with  Nerve  can  butt  in  at  any  time  or  place, 
[66] 


A  Flash  at  the  four-ounce  Ring. 


TRUE    BILLS 

In  low  musical  Notes,  something  like  the 
Bird-Calls  of  the  Forest,  he  told  her  about 
the  House  and  the  Bill  of  Goods  he  had  sold 
in  the  last  Town,  and  how  he  attended  Pro 
gressive  Cinch  Parties  every  time  he  got 
back  to  Saint  Louey.  She  listened  with  keen 
Interest  and  looked  him  right  in  the  Eye,  and 
never  once  did  she  call  for  Help. 

It  appeared  to  be  the  strongest  Ten-Strike 
of  his  glorious  Career  as  a  Depot  Flirt. 

She  wanted  to  know  all  about  him,  even  to 
the  Extent  of  sounding  him  on  Literature 
and  the  Arts. 

He  told  her  that  Dan  McAvoy  had  Julia 
Marlowe  beat  at  least  a  Block  when  it  come  to 
putting  up  a  Lively  Show,  and  as  for  Books, 
he  couldn't  see  Lew  Wallace  with  a  Spy- 
Glass,  but  the  Duchess  was  Warm  Stuff. 

His  Views  carried  so  much  Weight  that  she 
began  to  take  Notes  in  a  little  Book.  She 
asked  him  how  much  he  made  in  Commissions 
and  Salary,  and  what  amount  he  spent  on 
Clothes  and  Finery  as  compared  with  his  Out 
lay  for  Soul-Food.  He  began  to  wing  a 
[68] 


THE    FEARLESS    FAVORITE 

little  and  realized  that  he  was  up  against  a 
New  Game ;  but  he  could  not  renig  after  mak 
ing  the  first  Play,  so  she  Pumped  him  prop 
erly. 

Finally  she  asked  him  for  a  Photograph, 
which  she  numbered  thirty-two  and  filed 
away  in  a  Blue  Envelope. 

After  which  she  said  that  would  be  about 
all,  and  some  invisible  Force  seemed  to  lift 
him  back  to  the  other  side  of  the  Car.  As  he 
sat  there,  slowly  recovering,  it  occurred  to 
him  that  he  had  neglected  to  get  her  Name 
and  Address  and  make  her  promise  to  Corre 
spond,  which  was  very  careless  of  him.  He 
thought  some  of  making  another  Try,  but 
she  was  busy  with  a  Book,  other  than  the  one 
he  had  given  to  her,  and  seemed  to  have  for 
gotten  that  he  was  right  there  in  the  same 
Car. 

Clarence  began  to  suspect  that  he  had 
failed  to  Entertain  her,  but  such  was  not  the 
case. 

He  did  not  see  her  again,  but  next  Month 
his  Friends  called  his  Attention  to  an  Article 
[69] 


'As  Tie  sat  there,  slowly  recovering. 


THE    FEARLESS    FAVORITE 

in  an  Eastern  Periodical,  written  by  a  Lady 
who  had  been  investigating  the  Intellectual 
Awakening  of  the  Middle  West.  She  gave 
Clarence  quite  a  Send-Off  and  used  his  Pic 
ture,  calling  attention  to  the  lack  of  Forehead 
and  the  Vacant  Expression  about  the  Eyes. 
She  said  he  was  a  Type  of  the  Middle-Class 
Materialist,  who  cared  more  for  Personal 
Adornment  than  for  Mental  Culture,  but  as 
far  as  she  had  been  able  to  discover,  by  turn 
ing  the  Specimen  over  under  the  Microscope, 
there  was  nothing  Vicious  in  his  make-up. 
He  was  simply  a  Case  of  Atrophied  Cerebel 
lum  and  Ingrowing  Nerve. 

Clarence  could  not  get  next  to  all  the  Long 
Words  or  he  would  have  felt  all  cut  up  about 
it.  As  it  was,  he  decided  not  to  correspond, 
even  after  learning  her  Name. 

MORAL:  Many  a  Man  is  up  against  an 
Analysis  when  he  is  trying  to  make  a  Paral 
ysis. 

6 

[71] 


The  Fable  of  the  One  Who  Got  What  Was 
Coming  to  Him  and  then  Some  More. 

« 

ONCE  there  was  a  Man  who  bought 
his    Pleasures    by    the    Pound.      He 
was  a  'Close  Buyer.     Any  time  that 
he  unwound  the  Shoe-String  and  disgorged 
a  One-Case  Note,  he  was  expecting  to  get  a 
Return  of  about  $1   60  or  else  he  considered 
himself  Stung.     His  Family  Motto  was  "  Get 
your  Money's  Worth." 

At  a  Hotel  he  would  keep  the  Lights  turn 
ed  on  all  night  so  as  to  Catch  Even  on  his  Bill. 
Sometimes  on  the  Trolley-Car  he  would  ride 
two  Blocks  past  his  own  House  and  then  walk 
back,  because  he  wanted  to  get  as  much  as 
possible  for  his  Five  Cents.  Once  he  was  be 
guiled  into  paying  Five  for  a  Ticket  to  a 
Charity  Ball.  Rather  than  to  be  out  the 
Five  he  danced  from  10  P.M.  to  4  A.M. 
He  was  the  Man  who  insisted  on  the  Third 
Encore  at  the  Theatre  and  howled  for 
a  Baker's  Dozen  every  time  be  bought 
Eggs. 

Whenever    he    got    Enlargement    of    the 
[72] 


A   Supreme  Effort   to   stick   the 
Company. 


TRUE    BILLS 

Heart  and  began  to  spend  Money  on  himself, 
he  expected  every  one  to  pay  lots  of  Atten 
tion  to  him.  Once  he  hired  a  Cab  by  the 
Hour.  He  was  sitting  in  a  Cozy  Corner, 
slowly  fighting  his  way  to  the  bottom  of  a 
High  Ball,  when  a  Policeman  came  in  and 
told  him  that  the  Cabman  was  freezing  to 
death  outside. 

"  That's  all  right,"  was  the  Reply.  "  He's 
getting  paid  for  it." 

By  the  time  he  got  through  with  a  Free 
Lunch  there  was  nothing  left  except  Olives. 

One  Day  on  the  Train  he  wanted  a  Snack, 
but  he  did  not  feel  Hungry  a  Dollar's  Worth. 
He  hated  to  go  into  a  Diner  and  get  away 
with  only  Eighty-five  Cents'  worth  of  Prov 
ender.  So  he  decided  to  make  a  Supreme 
Effort  to  stick  the  Company.  He  began 
with  Blue-Points  and  Soup  and  Fish,  and 
then  he  was  horrified  to  find  that  he  had 
Enough.  But  he  was  cinched  for  a  Dollar, 
so  he  ordered  Ribs  of  Beef,  half  a  Duck, 
seven  Vegetables,  Ice-Cream,  Pie,  Cheese,  and 
a  Large  Coffee.  When  he  arrived  at  his 


WHAT    WAS    COMING    TO    HIM 

Destination  he  was  in  the  Baggage-Car 
ahead.  His  Last  Words  had  been,  "  Make 
the  Company  pay  all  Expenses." 

MORAL :   No  one  loses  out  in  the  Dining- 
Car  except  the  Stockholders. 


[75] 


The  Fable  of  the  Society-Trimmers  and  What 
Broke  Up  the  Experience  Meeting. 

* 

ONE  Evening  a  Company  of  Tourists 
who  knew  all  about  the  Fall  Line  of 
Goods  found  themselves  laid  out  in 
a  Jim-Crow  Town.  As  usual,  there  had  been 
a  Good  Show  there  the  Week  before,  but  on 
this  particular  Night  there  was  nothing 
billed  except  a  Rummage  Sale  at  the  Presby 
terian  Church.  So  the  Wayfarers  stuck  to 
the  Office  of  the  Commercial  Hotel,  where  they 
borrowed  Cigars  and  volunteered  a  few 
Chapters  from,  a  Busy  Life. 

The  Man  who  told  his  Story  early  in  the 
Game  was  at  a  decided  Disadvantage,  because 
the  next  Author  had  to  raise  him  a  few.  The 
one  who  came  in  last  of  all  was  sure  to  be 
the  King  Bee. 

The  Talk  Carnival  opened  with  a  brief 
Session  of  the  Home-Wreckers'  Association, 
after  which  they  started  in  to  tell  how  they 
had  skun  the  Other  Fellow  at  Games  of 
Chance.  They  hated  to  talk  about  Them 
selves,  but  they  had  to  do  it. 
[76] 


SOCIETY-TRIMMERS 

The  average  Poker  Story  should  run  as  a 
Serial.  It  has  a  Preamble  about  as  long  as 
the  Moral  Law.  The  Man  who  is  spinning  it, 
in  order  to  entertain  himself,  begins  by  re 
lating  how  he  was  on  a  Sleeper  between  East 
St.  Louis  and  Effingham.  He  tells  the  Name 
of  the  Book  he  was  reading,  the  Color  of  the 
Pullman  Conductor's  Whiskers,  and  the  Speed 
at  which  the  Train  was  running.  Having 
settled  these  important  Details,  he  slowly  ap 
proaches  the  Plot  of  the  Piece.  It  seems  that 
Albert  Hieronomous,  who  used  to  travel  for 
Skinstine,  Walrus,  &  Co.,  asked  him  to  come 
into  the  State-Room  and  hold  Cards  so  as  to 
make  it  four-handed.  The  Narrator  explains 
that  he  had  no  desire  to  Play,  but  he  went 
just  to  oblige  Al.  Then  he  tells  about  meet 
ing  a  Mining  Expert  from  Colorado  and  a 
little  Fat  Man  who  owned  a  Gents'  Furnish 
ing  Store  in  St.  Joe.  He  gives  the  Conversa 
tion  in  regard  to  fixing  the  Ante  and  Limit, 
and  forgets  who  had  the  first  Deal,  but,  any 
way,  they  all  dropped  out  the  first  time  around 
and  made  it  a  Jack.  The  St.  Joe  Man  opened 
[77] 


The  average  Poker  Story  should 
run  as  a  Serial. 


SOCIETY-TRIMMERS 

it  and  he,  the  Hero  of  the  Story,  lingered 
on  a  Pair  of  Sevens,  but  kept  a  One-Spotter 
on  the  side,  and  then  picked  up  a  Seven  and 
an  Ace  and  made  a  foxy  Bet  of  Two  Bits,  and 
so  on  and  so  on.  'When  it  came  time  to  change 
at  the  Junction,  he  had  everything  except 
their  Clothes. 

The  little  Group  in  the  Hotel  Office  listened 
to  one  of  these  Typical  Tales  lasting  from 
7 :30  to  8 :45.  The  Next  Man  was  reminded 
of  what  happened  to  him  in  El  Paso  when 
he  sauntered  into  Cy  Ryan's  and  flipped  a 
big  iron  Dollar  on  the  Single  O.  He  caught 
it  and  let  it  lay  for  a  Repeater,  and  then 
pushed  the  whole  Stack  over  on  the  Red,  and 
Red  come.  Then  he  sprinkled  a  few  Yellow 
Boys  on  the  first  twelve  and  couldn't  go 
wrong.  After  playing  fifteen  minutes  and 
losing  back  375  he  was  still  2250  to  the  Good 
when  he  cashed  in. 

It  seemed  that  No.  3  knew  how  to  Inhale  a 

few,  for  he  butted  in  with  a  Beaut  of  how  to 

put  a  Crimp  in  a  Faro  Game  at  Seattle.     He 

told  another  of  the  just-happened-in   Kind. 

[79] 


TRUE    BILLS 

He  was  idly  snowballing  the  Lay-Out  while 
waiting  for  a  Friend  to  get  through  with  a 
Game  of  Stud.  He  caught  the  Tray  and  be 
gan  to  Pyramid.  The  Tray  came  right  for 
him  twenty  -  seven  times  hand  -  running,  and 
then  the  Dealer  fell  in  a  Fit  and  begged  him 
to  Stop.  He  went  back  to  the  Hotel  with  his 
Overcoat  Pockets  full  of  the  Bank  Roll. 

A  Clothing  Salesman  took  the  Floor  with 
one  of  those  justly  celebrated  Pipes  about, 
"  Just  before  the  Fourth  Race  a  Friend  came 
to  me  and  told  me  to  get  a  Piece  of  Money 
down  on  Lou  Perkins."  It  seems  that  Lou 
Perkins  was  commonly  regarded  as  a  crippled 
Goat,  and  it  was  a  case  of  write  your  own 
Ticket,  the  Price  running  as  Long  as  275 
to  1. 

"  But  the  best  I  could  get,"  says  the  truth 
ful  Clothing  Salesman,  "  was  200  to  1." 

He  took  Ten  Dollars'  worth  of  Lou  Perkins 
at  200  to  1  and  she  came  in  sideways,  nodding 
to  several  Acquaintances  in  the  Grand  Stand. 
He  had  landed  at  the  Track  with  Eighteen 
Dollars  and  a  Badge,  and  he  went  back  with 
[80] 


Flipped  a  big  iron  Dollar  on  the 
Single  O. 


TRUE    BILLS 

• 

Two  Thousand,  and  then  a  Lot  in  his  Side 
Pockets  that  he  didn't  take  the  Trouble  to 
count. 

Two  or  three  others  who  had  put  the 
Bookies  out  of  Business  and  broken  the 
Hearts  of  Professional  Gamblers  chipped  in 
to  the  Symposium,  and  at  last  it  was  up  to  the 
old-time  Drummer  who  had  been  sitting  back 
doing  a  Listen. 

"  I  don't  belong  in  this  Bunch,"  said  the 
Vet.  "  I  never  caused  a  Book-Maker  to  hit 
the  Grit.  I  can  win  more  out  of  an  Expense 
Account  on  one  Trip  than  I  have  made  out 
of  the  Picture  Cards  in  Thirty  Years.  The 
Fact  is  that  I  am  a  Piker.  Any  time  that  I 
stand  to  win  or  lose  more  than  a  Month's 
Salary  at  a  single  Toss,  I  get  chilled  below 
the  Knees.  That  is  when  I  begin  to  think 
about  that  next  Payment  on  the  Building  and 
Loan  Stock.  Sometimes  I  am  ashamed  of 
myself  for  not  being  a  keener  Sport.  I  figure 
that  the  Streak  of  Yellow  in  me  must  be 
Double  Width,  or  seventy-two  Inches.  For 
Years  I  have  been  up  and  down  the  Road  with 
[82] 


SOCIETY-TRIMMERS 
you  Boys  who  clean  up  the  Book-Makers  and 
give  the  Limerick  Knock-Out  to  every  Poker 
Joint  that  you  find.  The  Easy-Money  Talk 
that  I  have  heard  would  fill  the  Century 
Dictionary.  I  assure  you  that  I  have  been 
discouraged  at  himes  to  think  that  I  had  to 
get  my  Cush  by  such  slow  and  painful 
Methods,  while  all  you  had  to  do,  any  time 
you  were  hard  pushed,  was  to  go  out  and 
shake  down  a  Professional.  During  all  my 
time  on  the  Road  I  never  met  one  of  you  Fel 
lows  who  wasn't  ahead  of  the  Game.  I  can't 
understand  what  you  do  with  all  your  Money. 
Why  is  it  that  you,  who  have  been  picking  up 
these  Vast  Sums  from  time  to  time,  are  over 
drawn  at  the  House,  while  I,  with  no  way  of 
getting  it  except  by  pinching  the  Salary  and 
swelling  the  Sundries,  own  a  Chunk  of 
Suburban  Real  Estate? 

"  There  is  something  else  I  don't  Under 
stand,"  continued  the  Vet.  "  I  see  the  Book- 
Makers  wearing  these  $800  Sparks  and  eat 
ing  at  the  Best  Places.  I  drop  in  at  a  Gam 
bling  Den  and  take  notice  of  the  Wheel  inlaid 
[83] 


Put  the  Bookies  out  of  Business. 


SOCIETY-TRIMMERS 

with  Pearl,  the  Rugs  two  Inches  thick,  and  the 
free  Turkey  Sandwiches.  I  judge  that  the 
Rent  and  Lights  amount  to  Considerable. 
How  can  they  keep  going  and  lose  Money  all 
the  time?  I  never  meet  any  one  who  admits 
that  he  is  feeding  his  Income  to  the  Man 
with  the  Spotted  Shirt.  All  the  People  I 
meet  are  big  Winners.  It  must  be  that  all 
these  Gams  inherited  what  they've  got." 

When  he  paused,  several  of  his  Companions 
stretched  and  said  it  was  about  time  to  turn 
in. 

MORAL:  The  Man  who  gets  Cleaned 
seldom  blows  about  it. 


[85] 


The  Fable  of  the  Girl  Who  Wanted  to  Warm 
Up  When  It  Was  Too  Late. 

* 

ONCE  there  was  a  good  Young  Man 
who  delivered  Milk  and  sang  in  the 
Choir.  He  allowed  his  Affections 
to  get  all  snarled  up  with  a  tall  female  Elfin 
named  Sophy.  Fate  kissed  him  off  and  he 
lay  froze  against  the  Cushion.  It  appeared 
that  Sophy  had  no  time  for  him,  because 
he  was  about  two  Notches  below  her  in 
the  Social  Scale.  Sophy's  father  was 
an  Auctioneer  and  Agent  for  a  Patent 
Churn. 

The  Young  Man,  whose  Name  was  Otis, 
removed  the  Gaff  from  his  quivering  Bosom 
and  began  to  lay  Plans  to  humble  her  Pride. 
After  placing  his  Milk  Route  in  the  Hands 
of  a  Reliable  Agent,  he  went  up  to  the  City 
and  began  to  take  Lessons  on  the  Horn.  He 
practised  until  he  was  able  to  crawl  inside  of 
a  big  Oom-Pah  and  eat  all  of  the  Low  Notes 
in  the  Blue  Book.  The  Hard  Part  of  a 
Sousa  March  was  Pie  for  him.  He  could  close 
his  Eyes  and  run  up  the  Scale,  and  then  down 
[86] 


WANTED    TO    WARM    UP 

again  until  he  struck  the  Newfoundland 
Growl  coming  at  the  end  of  "  Rocked  in  the 
Cradle." 

Then  he  went  back  and  joined  the  Silver 
Cornet  Band.  On  Decoration  Day  he  was  up 
at  the  Head  of  the  Line,  just  behind  the 
Grand  Marshal  with  the  Red  Sash,  and 
he  carried  a  Tuby  that  looked  like  the  En 
trance  to  a  Cave.  His  Uniform  was  fan 
cy  enough  for  a  Colonel  on  the  Governor's 
Staff. 

When  he  swept  down  Main  Street  scar 
ing  all  the  Horses  and  causing  the  Window- 
Panes  to  rattle,  every  one  along  the  Line 
of  March  who  knew  Ote  was  proud  of  him 
self. 

Sophy  saw  him  and  got  ready  to  do  a  little 
Hedging.  After  the  Parade,  when  he  was  in 
the  Bon-Ton  Candy  Kitchen,  with  a  Hand 
kerchief  around  his  Neck,  ordering  up  Straw 
berry  Soda,  then  Sophy  broke  through  the 
Circle  of  Admirers  and  bade  him  Welcome. 
Otis  gave  her  a  cruel  Look  and  pretended 
that  he  did  not  remember  her  Name. 
[87] 


TRUE    BILLS 

That  Evening  she  saw  him  pass  the  House 
three  times  with  the  Tuby  on  one  Arm  and  a 
red-headed  Milliner  on  the  other. 

MORAL:  Adversity  often  hatches  out  the 
true  Nobility  of  Character. 


[88] 


The  Fable  of  What  Our  Public  Schools  and 

the  Primary  System  Did  for  a  Poor 

but  Ambitious  Youth. 

4 

ONCE  there  were  two  Boys  growing 
up  in  a  large  City.  One  had  been 
born  with  a  Silver  Spoon  in  his 
Mouth.  At  that  time  Silver  was  regarded  as 
a  valuable  Metal. 

The  other  Boy  had  no  Assets  to  speak  of, 
but  he  had  very  wisely  chosen  to  be  born 
under  the  Stars  and  Stripes,  where  the  Poor 
Boy  with  a  gnawing  Ambition  gets  every 
Show  for  his  White  Alley. 

This  Urchin  was  named  Jimmy,  and  even 
at  the  age  of  six  he  was  looking  forward  to 
the  Time  when  he  would  be  big  enough  to 
kill  a  Policeman. 

Jimmy  resided  with  his  Parents  in  a  bummy 
little  one-story  Shack.  He  went  barefoot 
every  Year  as  soon  as  the  Frost  got  out  of 
the  •  Ground,  and  his  favorite  Stamping- 
Ground  was  the  Railway  Yards.  One  of  the 
Joys  of  his  Childhood  was  to  get  together  a 
Gang  of  Hicks  and  throw  Stones  at  the 
[89] 


Jimmy's    favorite    Stamping- 
Ground. 


AMBITIOUS    YOUTH 

Brakemen.  He  was  a  member  of  a  tough 
Ball  Team  and  knew  how  to  play  Seven-Up. 

Across  the  Street  from  where  Jimmy  lived 
there  was  a  magnificent  Brick  House  with  a 
Mansard  Roof. 

Within  this  Palace  dwelt  a  Boy  who  had 
been  handicapped  with  the  Name  of  F.  Law 
rence.  However,  it  was  hoped  that  his  Money 
would  carry  him  through.  F.  Lawrence  had 
been  warned  against  Jimmy.  His  Mamma 
often  took  him  on  her  Knee  and  told  him 
how  one  of  his  Ancestors  turned  the  Water 
into  Long  Island  Sound,  and  that  it  was 
his  Duty  to  guard  the  Family  Name 
and  not  speak  to  People  who  worked  by 
the  Day. 

So  F.  Lawrence  would  stand  at  the  Win 
dow  and  make  Faces  at  Jimmy  outside. 
Whereupon  Jimmy  would  double-dare  him  to 
come  into  the  Street ;  but  F.  Lawrence  remem 
bered  about  the  Family  Name  and  refused  to 
associate  with  any  low-born  Characters.  But 
when  he  went  out  to  take  his  Dancing  Lesson, 
Jimmy  would  chase  him  a  few  Blocks  and 


TRUE    BILLS 

call  him  Names  that  were  almost  as  bad  as 
F.  Lawrence. 

Jimmy  had  a  Proud  Nature,  even  if  his 
Old  Man  did  work  at  the  Gas-House.  The 
Taunts  and  Insults  heaped  upon  him  by  the 
Young  Aristocrat  caused  him  many  Bitter 
Reflections,  but  likewise  it  awoke  in  him  a 
Stern  Resolve  that  some  day  or  other  he 
would  make  F.  Lawrence  look  like  a  Yellow 
Clarionet. 

"  I  have  neither  Wealth  nor  Social  Sta 
tion,"  Jimmy  would  say  to  himself,  "  but  I 
have  Youth  and  Strength  and  a  cast-iron 
Nerve,  and  if  they  expect  to  keep  me  down 
they  will  have  to  tie  me." 

While  F.  Lawrence  was  away  at  the 
'Varsity  learning  Sanscrit  and  how  to  Inhale 
without  choking  himself,  humble  Jimmy  was 
circulating  in  the  Ward,  learning  the  Duties 
of  Citizenship.  He  developed  a  Right 
Swing  that  was  calculated  to  put  somebody 
out  of  the  Business.  It  was  a  common  saying 
among  his  Admirers  that  you  could  not  dent 
Jimmy  with  an  Axe.  And  yet,  only  a  few 
[92] 


F.  Lawrence  hears  about  his  An 
cestors. 


TRUE    BILLS 

Years  before,  he  had  been  a  barefooted  Cub 
stealing  Rides  on  the  Freight-Trains. 

He  was  in  Demand  at  all  Primary  Elec 
tions.  Whenever  he  wanted  to  be  a  Delegate 
to  something,  his  Name  went  on  the  Ticket 
or  else  there  was  an  Ambulance  Call.  One 
Spring,  while  F.  Lawrence  was  down  on  the 
Riviera  trying  to  conceal  the  Fact  that  he 
had  been  born  in  America,  Jimmy  stacked 
the  Cards  on  the  Pious  Element  and  was 
elected  Alderman. 

His  real  Career  now  opened  up.  He 
gathered  about  him  all  the  Local  Statesmen 
who  were  not  on  Earth  for  their  Health. 
Whenever  an  Ordinance  came  up,  they  held  it 
over  a  few  Weeks  until  they  could  Investi 
gate  and  make  sure  that  the  Taxpayers  were 
being  Protected. 

Jimmy  acquired  a  Reputation  as  a  Philan 
thropist  and  Friend  of  the  Poor.  Every 
time  a  down-trodden  Porch-Climber  was  taken 
in  by  those  Enemies  of  Society  who  wear  the 
Blue  Clothes,  Jimmy  would  go  around  and 
fix  up  the  Bail  Bond,  and  explain  to  the 
[94] 


AMBITIOUS    YOUTH 

Judge  that  his  Friend  was  a  Working-Boy 
with  a  Mother  dependent  on  him.  By  such 
unselfish  Acts  as  these  he  perfected  a  Private 
Machine  and  had  on  his  Staff  a  great  many 
useful  Workers  who  said  that  they  were  will 
ing  to  come  to  the  Front  at  any  time  and  do 
anything  for  him,  up  to  and  including  Mur 
der. 

Jimmy  had  started  out  with  no  Pull  or 
Prestige.  He  had  nothing  to  carry  him 
through  except  his  Character.  And  now,  at 
the  age  of  forty-two,  he  was  the  Uncrowned 
King  of  the  Slate-Makers,  the  Main  Blazotts, 
and  the  acknowledged  Boss. 

As  a  Boy,  his  entire  Wardrobe  stood  him 
about  Eighty  Cents.  Now,  his  Jewels  alone 
figured  up  $1400  and  his  Clothes  had  Silk 
Lining.  He  owned  a  Buffet  in  which  he  had 
to  use  four  Men  behind  the  Bar,  and  some 
times  the  Slot  Machines  alone  gave  him  a 
Rake-OfF  of  $50  a  Day. 

And  how  about  F.  Lawrence,  the  pampered 
Patrician  who  had  been  wont  to  jeer  at  the 
Poor  Boy  and  treat  him  with  Contempt?  He 
[95] 


Seized  him  by  the  Undressed  Kid. 


AMBITIOUS    YOUTH 

had  been  leading  a'  Life  of  Idleness  and 
Luxury,  instead  of  getting  out  and  hustling 
for  the  Taxpayer  and  Working-Man.  But  his 
Pride  was  due  to  get  a  hard  Fall.  Humble 
Jimmy,  the  Gas-House  Boy,  had  a  lovely  Dose 
of  Poetic  Justice  all  fixed  up  for  F.  Lawrence. 

It  appears  that  F.  Lawrence,  after  the 
Death  of  his  Father,  succeeded  to  the  Presi 
dency  of  a  Corporation  organized  to  trim 
the  Public.  This  Corporation  needed  a  Re 
newal  of  the  Franchise.  It  had  to  get  the 
Renewal  or  put  up  the  Green  Blinds,  and  that 
is  why  F.  Lawrence  got  busy. 

Every  one  told  him  that  he  would  have  to 
see  Jimmy.  There  would  be  nothing  doing 
until  Jimmy  had  been  Seen  and  seen  Proper. 
And  that  is  how  it  came  about  that  the 
haughty  Magnate,  who  once  reviled  the 
ragged  Urchin,  came  with  his  Hat  in  his 
Hand  and  began  to  Crawl  as  soon  as  he 
struck  the  Front  Door. 

Here  was  a  Grand  Opening  for  Jimmy. 
He  had  the  Chance  of  his  Life  to  hand  out 
a  Hunk  of  Retribution  by  saying :  "  When  I 
[97] 


TRUE    BILLS 

was  a  penniless  Lad  you  mocked  my  Poverty. 
Now  I  am  Well-Off  and  Powerful  and  you 
come  to  Square  yourself.  Go!" 

Jimmy  did  nothing  of  the  Sort.  Large 
Natures,  such  as  his,  are  not  capable  of  a 
Petty  Revenge.  He  was  Magnanimous.  He 
seized  F.  Lawrence  by  the  Undressed  Kid  and 
led  him  to  the  Back  Room. 

As  soon  as  he  became  assured  that  the  Tax 
payers  were  not  going  to  get  the  Nub  End 
of  the  Deal,  he  agreed  to  deliver  the  Goods. 

Then  he  made  some  Inquiries  about  the 
Corporation,  and  it  seemed  to  be  such  a  fair 
and  above-board  Proposition  that  he  took 
many  shares  of  Stock. 

To-day  he  is  one  of  the  Directors  and  sits 
at  the  same  Mahogany  Table  with  F.  Law 
rence,  showing  what  a  Poor  Boy  may  accom- 
plish  in  this  Country  if  he  leaves  Liquor  alone 
and  does  not  waste  his  Time. 

MORAL:  If  shy  on  the  Family  Name, 
pay  some  Attention  to  the  Pull. 

[98] 


The  Fable  of  the  Two  Ways  of  Going  Out 
After  the  Pay  Envelope. 

* 

A  IAN  who  had  been  given  the  Fresh 
Air  by  a  Soulless  Corporation  was 
out  rustling  for  another  Job.  He 
went  around  to  see  all  the  General  Managers. 
Usually  he  had  to  sit  outside  and  permit  a 
beautiful  Stenographer  to  look  Holes  in  him. 
When  he  was  finally  admitted  to  the  Sacred 
Presence  of  the  Head  Gazooks,  he  would  ap 
proach  the  Roll-Top  on  tiptoe  and  stand 
there  with  his  Hat  in  his  Hand  and  beg  for 
Work.  He  wanted  a  Job,  and  Salary  was  no 
Object.  Thereupon  the  Main  Torch  would 
slip  him  the  Old  One  about  putting  his  Appli 
cation  on  File  and  notifying  him  in  case 
anything  turned  up.  The  Morgues  are  full 
of  People  who  have  Applications  on  File. 

After  he  had  been  Drilling  from  one  Office 
to  another  for  about  a  Month,  he  had  about 
350  of  these  vague,  indefinite  Promises,  but 
there  was  nothing  doing  in  the  Salary  Line. 

So  he  decided  to  try  a  new  Tack. 

"  This  Humble  Pie  doesn't  seem  to  agree 
[99] 


With  his  Hat  in  his  Hand. 


PAY    ENVELOPE 

with  me,"  he  said.  "  I  shall  cut  out  the 
Apologetic  and  try  being  Nifty." 

Accordingly,  he  went  to  a  Friend  and 
braced  him  for  a  Century  as  if  asking  for 
a  Match.  Then  he  engaged  a  Suite  at  the 
Principal  Hostelry  and  sent  engraved  Notifi 
cations  to  all  the  General  Managers  that  he 
could  be  seen  any  Day  between  11 :45  and 
12  :15  on  presentation  of  Visiting-Cards. 

They  knew  that  he  was  a  Big  Gun  or  he 
wouldn't  be  paying  ten  per  for  his  Rooms. 
So  several  hurried  over  and  began  to  Bid 
for  him. 

MORAL:  Those  who  have  tried  Meekness 
know  the  Importance  of  being  Important. 


The  Fable  of  the  Misdirected  Sympathy  and 
the  Come-Back  of  the  Proud  Steam- 
Fitter. 

f 

ONE  Day  a  lowly  Steam-Fitter  who 
received  only  Seventy  Cents  an  Hour 
for  filling  his  Pipe  was  sent  to  do 
a  Job  of  Repairing  in  the  Palatial  Residence 
of  a  Syndicate  Mogul. 

While  he  was  hammering  merrily  at  his 
Task,  trying  to  fill  out  an  eight-hour  Day, 
the  Lady  of  the  House  came  and  watched 
him.  Her  Heart  was  touched  with  great  Pity 
for  any  Man  who  still  had  his  Appendix  and 
whose  Picture  had  never  appeared  in  the 
Sunday  Papers.  So  she  had  the  Butler  bring 
some  Charlotte  Russe  for  the  humble  Toiler. 
After  which  he  borrowed  one  of  her  gold-tip 
Cigarettes  and  gave  her  a  few  Minutes  of  his 
Time,  in  spite  of  the  Fact  that  she  die1  not 
belong  to  the  Union. 

"  This  is  a  Swell  Joint  you've  got  here, 

Lady,"   said  the   Steam-Fitter.     "The  only 

thing  that  makes  me  Sore  is  to  think  that  all 

of  this  Hot  Dog  you're  throwin'   on  comes 

[102] 


This  is  a  Swell  Joint,  Lady" 


TRUE    BILLS 

out  of  the  Pockets  of  poor,  hard-workin' 
Guys,  such  as  me." 

"  You  wrong  us,"  said  the  Great  Lady,  in 
a  Tone  of  Gentle  Sadness.  "  My  Husband 
never  flimflams  the  poor  Laborer.  All  that  he 
has  he  made  by  shifting  the  Cut  on  the  small 
Stockholders.  We  are  much  interested  in 
the  Working  Classes  and  wish  to  establish  a 
free  Lecture  Course,  so  that  the  Poor  may 
learn  all  about  Anthropology.  Very  often  I 
go  and  sing  Solos  at  Mission  Entertainments, 
but  in  spite  of  this  my  poor  Husband  is 
pictured  as  a  hungry  Octopus  who  has  taken 
a  death-grip  on  the  Consumer." 

"  I'd  hate  to  be  a  Corporation  Director," 
said  the  Steam-Fitter.  "  The  Mug  that  con 
trols  a  Million  Bucks  ain't  got  a  Friend  on 
Earth  except  the  People  who  happen  to  be 
with  him  at  the  time.  All  the  Congressmen 
throw  Bricks  at  him  and  the  Editorial- Writers 
toast  him  to  a  Crisp.  The  Rainbow  Week 
lies  put  him  in  Cartoons  as  having  four 
Chins  and  a  Waist  Measurement  of  fifty-two, 
whereas  all  the  Money-Getters  I  ever  spotted 
[104] 


MISDIRECTED    SYMPATHY 

were  as  thin  as  Rails  and  looked  as  if  they 
had  to  live  on  Tea  and  Toast.  But  the 
Working-Man!  He's  the  Boy  that  gets  all 
the  Violets.  When  they  put  me  into  a  Car 
toon  they  make  me  out  to  be  a  handsome 
Charley  with  my  Sleeves  rolled  up  and  a  set 
of  Muscles  that  would  make  Jeffries  ashamed 
of  himself.  I  always  wear  a  dinky  Paper 
Cap  and  a  full  growth  of  Presbyterian 
Whiskers.  Every  time  I  see  a  Picture  of  the 
American  Working-Man  in  three  Colors,  I'm 
glad  that  I'm  not  a  low-down  Capitalist.  I 
may  not  handle  as  much  Coin  as  some  of  the 
Shell-Workers  that  hang  out  in  Wall  Street, 
but  any  time  that  I  feel  discouraged  all  I 
have  to  do  is  to  dig  up  my  Thirty  Cents  and 
go  to  a  Variety  Show,  and  then  I  find  out  that 
I  am  the  only  true-hearted  and  honest  Amer 
ican,  except  the  gallant  Volunteer.  The  very 
best  Friend  that  Union  Labor  has  in  this 
Country  is  the  Vawdyville  Artist  who  works 
twenty-eight  Minutes  a  Day  for  $175  a 
Week." 

"  Still,  with  your  restricted  Income,  you 
[105] 


TRUE    BILLS 

cannot  seek  the  elevating  Influences  of  our 
kind  of  Society,"  said  the  Lady  of  the  House. 
"  That  must  grind  you  a  good  deal,  especial 
ly  if  you  have  Children  growing  up.  I  can 
imagine  that  it  would  be  hard  lines  to  know 
that  your  Offspring  have  no  Social  Careers 
awaiting  them." 

"  Me  and  my  Wife  lay  awake  Nights  and 
cry  about  it,"  said  the  Steam-Fitter.  "  We 
thought  for  a  while  we  might  save  up  and 
buy  Jimmy  an  Auto,  but  when  we  looked  in 
the  Catalogue  we  found  that  the  Price  was 
$4000.  So  we  decided  if  he  wanted  to  prac 
tise  Homicide  it  would  be  cheaper  to  get  him 
on  the  Police  Force.  Being  too  poor  to  send 
him  to  a  University,  we  let  him  take  Lessons 
at  a  Boxing  Academy,  and  now,  when  any  one 
starts  Rough  House,  he  is  almost  as  handy 
as  a  regular  Student.  He  can  smoke  Egyp 
tian  Cigarettes  and  blow  the  Smoke  through 
his  Nose,  and  he  gives  me  the  Laugh  when  I 
call  him  down,  and  so  I  feel  that  we  have  ac 
complished  by  Home  Training  what  might 
have  been  expected  from  a  College  Course. 
[106] 


*'  fie  gives  me  the  Laugh, 


TRUE    BILLS 

As  for  Vivian,  our  bright-eyed  little  Daugh 
ter,  she  is  the  zippiest  High-Flyer  that  speeds 
the  Boulevard.  When  it  comes  to  French 
Heels  and  the  long  Straight  Front  and  all 
kinds  of  Blouse  hanging  in  front  of  her,  she 
can  make  the  average  Society  Bud  look  like  a 
wax  Imitation.  She  has  one  of  these  wig 
wag  Walks— the  kind  that  makes  People 
jump  off  of  the  Sidewalk.  Of  course,  she  is 
only  the  Daughter  of  an  obscure  Steam-Fit 
ter,  but  let  me  give  you  a  Pointer.  You  can't 
tell  by  lookin'  at  one  of  these  Fairies  nowa 
days  what  kind  of  Clothes  her  Father  wears. 
When  it  comes  to  Lugs,  I  can't  see  that  the 
Heiress  has  any  Bulge  on  the  simple  Working- 
Girl.  As  for  butting  into  the  Social  Swim, 
she  has  a  Scheme  all  framed  up,  by  which  she 
expects  to  become  acquainted  with  all  of  the 
gold-plated  Johnnies  who  infest  the  Munici 
pality.  She  is  going  on  the  Stage  to  be  a 
Show  Girl.  She  says  that  the  Debutante 
seldom  has  more  than  one  on  her  Staff,  while 
the  Show  Girl  can  take  her  Pick  of  a  large 
Bunch.  So  you  see  that  in  these  Days  of 
[108] 


MISDIRECTED    SYMPATHY 

Public  Schools  and  cheap  Reading  Matter 
and  custom-made  Imitations,  even  the  most 
Humble  can  occasionally  make  a  Bluff  at 
being  the  Real  Thing.  So  long  as  my  Chil 
dren  hoot  at  my  Suggestions  and  tell  me 
every  Day  where  to  get  off  or  how  to  back 
over  the  Dump,  Papa  will  not  be  altogether 
discouraged  in  regard  to  their  Social  Careers. 
In  fact,  the  only  thing  that  worries  me  is  the 
Fear  that  I  won't  be  able  to  keep  up  with 
them." 

"  I  am  glad  to  find  you  so  Philosophical," 
said  the  Millionairess.  "  After  reading  sev 
eral  Books  written  by  College  Professors  who 
disguised  themselves  as  Laborers  and  went 
and  lived  among  the  down-trodden  Masses,  I 
had  supposed  that  a  Steam-Fitter  was  a  rather 
gloomy  Proposition." 

"Why  should  I  be  gloomy?  The  formal 
Dinner  Party  is  the  Champion  Gloom-Factory, 
and  I  never  have  to  go  near  one  of  them.  I 
don't  have  to  wear  my  Intellect  to  a  Frazzle 
keeping  up  with  the  Popular  Novels.  When 
a  Foreign  Musician  or  a  Lady  with  a  new 
[109] 


TRUE    BILLS 

System  of  Culturitis  bobs  up  on  the  Horizon, 
I  don't  have  to  go  chasing  around,  letting  on 
that  I  am  interested.  You  never  see  me  at 
one  of  these  punk  Amateur  Performances,  ap 
plauding  the  Bank  Accounts.  Nobody  ex 
pects  me  to  make  any  Calls,  and  I  never  drink 
Tea  except  when  I  want  it.  The  Scandal 
Sheets  never  show  up  my  Family  History, 
and  as  far  as  I  can  learn,  my  Wife  never 
hired  a  Detective  to  watch  me.  It  is  true 
that  sometimes  I  find  nothing  on  the  Menu 
except  Corned  Beef  and  what  goes  with  it, 
but  I  tear  into  it  with  an  Appetite  that  would 
be  worth  $8,000,000  to  Rockefeller  at  this 
Minute.  And  now,  Lady,  according  to  the 
Rules  of  the  Union,  I  must  knock  off  for  to 
day,  as  it  is  five  o'clock." 

"  Your  story  has  interested  me,"  said  the 
Lady  of  the  House.     "  I  should  like  to  visit 
v     your  Family  and  write  a  Paper  on  the  Home 
Life  of  the  Toilers." 

"  I'm  sorry  we  can't  have  you,"  was  the 
'    Reply.     "  You  Society  Ducks  don't  care  who 
you  invite,  but  I'm  an  Officer  in  the  Union 
[110] 


"  You  Society  Ducks, 


TRUE    BILLS 

and  I'll  queer  myself  if  I  begin  to  associate 
with  the  disreputable  Rich.  You'll  have  to 
put  up  with  your  own  Kind." 

MORAL :   The  Wealthy  have  nothing  left 
except  Money. 


[113] 


The  Fable  of  How   the  Canny   Commercial 
Salesman  Guessed  the  Combination. 

4 

A  COUNTRY  Merchant,  sometimes 
known  as  the  Man  behind  the  Face, 
was  sitting  in  his  Prunery  one  Day 
when  a  Drummer  came  in  to  sell  him  a  lot  of 
Goods  that  he  didn't  need.  As  the  Drummer 
closed  the  Door  behind  him  and  put  on  his 
copyrighted  Smile,  the  Temperature  of  the 
Room  sank  about  eight  Degrees.  There  were 
no  "  Welcome "  Mottoes  on  the  Wall,  and 
when  the  Drummer  gazed  into  the  rugged 
Map  he  realized  that  he  was  up  against  it. 

But  he  was  accustomed  to  warming  up  these 
Cold  Propositions.  He  asked,  "  How's 
Tricks?"  and  was  told  that  the  entire  Works, 
Government  and  all,  was  going  to  the  Bow 
wows.  Thinking  to  dispel  the  Gloom,  he  told 
two  of  the  Latest,  and  although  they  were 
Corkers  and  had  caused  many  a  Yokel  to 
fall  off  the  Cracker-Barrel,  they  never  feazed 
old  Mournful  Ike.  It  was  not  his  Day  to  be 
jollied.  Then  the  Drummer  switched  and 
tried  the  Sympathetic  Dodge.  He  said  that 
[113] 


This  Predestination  Business," 


COMMERCIAL    SALESMAN 

Collections  had  been  a  little  Slack,  but  he 
looked  for  Better  Times  as  soon  as  the  Farmers 
began  to  move  their  Crops.  But  the  Face 
couldn't  see  a  Glimmer  of  Hope. 

The  wise  Drummer  always  has  two  old 
Stand-Bys  that  he  brings  out  when  all  else 
has  failed,  viz.,  Politics  and  Religion.  He 
decided  to  take  a  Chance. 

"  What  do  you  think?"  he  said.  "  I  had  an 
awful  Argument  on  the  Train  with  a  Chump 
who  claimed  that  there  was  -nothing  in  this 
Predestination  Business." 

"  Then  you  believe  in  Infant  Damnation, 
do  you?"  asked  the  Storekeeper. 

"  Sure,"  was  the  reply. 

"  You  can  send  me  a  Berrel  of  New  Orleens 
Molasses,  ten  Kits  of  Mackerel,  seven  Gross 
of  Canned  Peaches,  and  a  Caddy  of  Oolong," 
said  the  Storekeeper. 

MORAL:  One  smell  of  Brimstone  makes 
the  whole  World  kin. 


[115] 


,    The  Fable  of  the  Taxpayers'  Friend   Who 
Ran  to  an  Empty  Grand  Stand  and  Fin 
ished  Outside  the  Money. 

€ 

ONCE  there  was  a  Man  who  belonged 
to  all  the  Secret  Orders  and  looked 
like  an  Irishman  and  had  a  German 
Name  and  employed  a  lot  of  Swede  Help,  so 
he    received    the    Nomination    for    County 
Treasurer. 

He  was  nominated  the  Night  before  the 
Convention  by  a  large,  freckled  Mind-Reader 
who  knew  what  the  People  wanted  before  they 
found  it  out  for  themselves.  He  couldn't 
have  been  elected  Constable  on  his  own  Hook, 
as  he  had  a  Record  that  included  Grave-Rob 
bing,  Brace  Faro,  and  Second-Story  Work. 
So  the  only  thing  left  for  him  to  do  in  Politics 
was  to  name  the  Candidates  and  then,  if  the 
Combination  went  through,  get  first  Whack 
at  the  Contracts  and  put  all  of  his  High- 
Binders  on  the  Pay-Roll. 

He  was  editorially  roasted,  but,  just  the 
same,  when  a  Representative  Citizen  wanted 
to  run  for  anything  he  found  it  advisable  to 
[116] 


TAXPAYERS'  FRIEND 

go  around  and  place  himself  Right  with  the 
frog-faced  Boss. 

He  was  a  Modest  Man,  was  the  Campaigner 
with  the  Eighteen-inch  Neck.  He  did  not  ask 
to  have  his  Picture  on  any  Transparencies. 
When  a  cut-and-dried  Programme  was  being 
pulled  off,  he  never  made  any  Speeches  from 
the  Platform.  If  he  had  anything  to  say  he 
said  it  in  a  husky  Whisper  and  up  an  Alley. 
All  of  his  Spouting  was  done  by  Proxy,  for 
he  had  on  his  Staff  several  Fourteen-karat 
Lawyers,  each  of  whom  hoped  to  be  State's 
Attorney  some  Day  when  the  Voters  were  not 
looking. 

This  eminent  Disciple  of  the  String  Game 
was  the  one  who  picked  out  the  Candidate 
for  County  Treasurer.  There  was  another 
Aspirant  who  had  a  Petition  signed  by  14,000 
Property-Owners,  but  when  it  came  to  a  show 
down  at  the  Primaries  he  had  only  seventeen 
votes,  and  eight  of  these  were  thrown  out 
by  the  Judges  because  one  of  the  would- 
be  Delegates  had  his  Name  misspelled. 
Which  shows  what  can  be  done  to  the 
[117] 


TRUE    BILLS 

Independent  when  he  tries  to  buck  the  Ma 
chine. 

The  Candidate  for  County  Treasurer  yield 
ed  to  the  entreaties  of  his  Friends  and  per 
mitted  the  Use  of  his  Name  as  soon  as  he  had 
it  figured  out  to  him  that  by  freezing  on  to 
the  Interest  on  Public  Funds  he  could  rake  off 
about  20,000  Louies  per  Annum.  As  soon  as 
the  free  and  untrammelled  Convention  had 
named  him  by  Acclamation,  he  fought  his 
Way  through  the  Cigar  Smoke  and  made  a 
Speech  of  Acceptance.  He  said  that  he  had 
only  one  Object  in  Life,  and  that  was  to  give 
the  Taxpayer  a  Square  Deal,  and  Trusts 
were  a  growing  Danger,  likewise  it  was  our 
Duty  to  spread  the  Blessings  of  Freedom  in 
the  far-off  Islands  of  the  Pacific,  inasmuch 
as  a  reasonable  Tariff  Revision  seemed  im 
perative,  because  the  Workman  had  a  right  to 
organize  in  the  interests  of  Arbitration.  All 
of  which  could  be  accomplished  if  the  Sov 
ereign  Voters  would  rally  around  him  and  on 
the  4th  day  of  next  November,  with  their 
Ballots,  as  fall  the  Snow-Flakes,  strike  Terror 
[  "8  ] 


TAXPAYERS'  FRIEND 

to  the  Hearts  of  all  Despoilers  of  Liberty. 
In  other  Words,  he  wanted  to  be  County 
Treasurer. 

Now,  the  Off  Year  in  Politics  is  no  Hun 
garian  Joke  to  the  Mark  who  has  kissed  good 
bye  to  his  Shekels  and  taken  a  Gambler's 
Chance.  He  wants  to  hold  down  a  Leather 
Chair  in  a  Mahogany  Office  in  the  County 
Building,  and  have  a  Push  Bell  in  front  of 
him  and  a  Box  of  Perfectos  on  the  Roll-Top, 
and  draw  about  eight  Samoleons  a  Minute, 
while  the  cheap  Help  does  all  the  heavy 
Work. 

Of  every  ten  Patriots  who  are  now  throwing 
vitrified  Brick  at  the  Money  Power,  at  least 
nine  are  hoping  that  some  day  the  grateful 
Voters  will  rise  up  and  compel  them  to  use 
Leather  Chairs. 

As  for  the  would-be  Treasurer,  after  he 
had  spent  $800  to  see  his  Picture  on  Tele 
graph  Poles  and  had  bought  Tickets  to  some 
Eighty-five  Social  Hops,  to  say  nothing  of 
what  he  had  slipped  the  Boss,  he  felt  that  if 
he  did  not  land  in  the  County  Building,  the 
[119] 


TRUE    BILLS 

whole  Fabric  of  Government  would  begin  to 
unravel. 

Under  ordinary  Conditions  he  was  a  Chilly 
Proposition  who  failed  to  recognize  any  one 
who  did  not  wear  a  Tall  Hat  and  belong  to 
four  or  five  Clubs.  But  after  the  Lightning 
struck  him  and  he  became  the  People's  Choice, 
he  would  tear  across  the  Street  to  shake  Hands 
with  all  varieties  of  Trash  and  ask  them  how 
everything  seemed  to  be  going. 

As  a  Rule,  they  did  not  know  what  he  was 
driving  at,  for  in  an  Off  Year  the  Candidate 
who  has  made  a  powerful  Ante  is  the  only 
Mortal  who  is  dead  sure  that  there  is  going 
to  be  an  Election.  The  general  run  of  the 
Public  was  watching  the  price  of  Coal  and 
trying  to  guess  the  Football  Scores,  so  that 
when  the  Laboring-Man's  Friend  began  "his 
Canvass  he  was  appalled  at  the  General 
Apathy.  The  very  Foundations  of  our 
blood-bought  Institutions  were  being  under 
mined  by  the  loathsome  Opposition,  and  no 
one  seemed  to  care  a  Continental.  When  the 
Popular  Choice  for  County  Treasurer  ap- 
[120] 


No   one  seemed   to   care   a   Con 
tinental. 


TRUE    BILLS 

peared  at  a  Hall  to  make  an  Address  showing 
why  the  Panama  Canal  was  a  Necessity  and 
how  Ireland's  Wrongs  would  be  righted  if 
only  he  could  land  as  County  Treasurer,  he 
would  find  about  a  dozen  Fellow-Citizens 
without  Overcoats  who  had  come  in  to  get 
Warm.  He  would  arise  and  explain  why  Cuba 
was  entitled  to  Justice  and  that  all  Wealth 
belonged  to  the  Common  People,  but  he  nev 
er  explained  to  the  Boys  how  they  could  go 
out  that  same  Evening  and  get  their  Part 
of  it. 

After  every  Meeting  he  would  take  the 
Gang  down  into  a  Thirst-Parlor  and  buy 
Fusel  Oil  in  order  to  convince  them  that  he 
was  the  Man  entitled  to  handle  their  Money. 
Inasmuch  as  they  paid  no  Taxes,  they  all 
seemed  willing  to  take  a  Chance. 

Although  the  great  Body  of  Voters  were  in 
different  and  failed  to  Register,  one  Fact  was 
most  encouraging  to  the  Candidate.  From 
the  First  to  the  Last  of  his  Campaigning,  ev 
ery  Voter  he  met  was  with  him  and  with  him 
Strong.  He  could  not  find  any  one  who  was 
[122] 


Every  Voter  was  with  him  Strong. 


TRUE    BILLS 

in  favor  of  the  corrupt  and  mercenary  An 
tagonist.  So  he  figured  that,  although  the 
Vote  would  be  light,  he  would  get  about 
Ninety-eight  per  cent,  of  it. 

The  Election  was  almost  as  exciting  as  a 
Quaker  Meeting.  Now  and  then  some  one 
sauntered  up  to  a  Polling-Place  and  went 
back  into  the  Pantry  and  marked  his  Ballot, 
and  then  dug  out.  It  was  useless  to  hand  out 
Two-Dollar  Bills  in  the  interest  of  Good  Gov 
ernment,  because  there  was  no  way  of  -keeping 
Tab. 

Two  Men,  seven  Boys,  and  one  Candidate 
waited  at  Headquarters  for  the  Returns. 
About  10  P.M.  the  Benefactor  who  had  drawn 
Pictures  of  himself  sitting  in  the  Leather 
Chair  learned  that  he  had  been  snowed 
good  and  proper.  He  went  away  crushed 
by  the  Public  Calamity,  and  wondering 
why  he  was  the  only  Person  on  earth  who 
had  been  willing  to  labor  for  the  General 
Good. 

Next  Morning  the  Sun  came  up  as  Usual. 
On  that  bright  crisp  Day  of  Indian  Summer 


Exciting  as  a  Quaker  Meeting. 


TRUE    BILLS 

the  only  one  who  remembered  anything  about 
an  Election  was  a  blear-eyed  Man  looking 
over  the  Stubs  in  his  Check-Book. 

MORAL:  If  the  Off- Year  Candidate  keeps 
quiet,  no  one  will  know  he  has  been  Licked. 


[126] 


The  Fable  of  the  Single-Handed  Fight  for 
Personal  Liberty. 

« 

A  TRAVELLER  landed  in  a  Blue-Law 
Town  one  Sunday  Morning  and 
found  it  as  dead  as  a  Mackerel. 
There  were  only  two  Horses  hitched  at  the 
Square  and  in  every  Window  the  Curtains 
were  down. 

"  Why  and  wherefore  this  funereal  Hush?" 
he  inquired  of  the  Hotel  Clerk. 

"  The  Sunday-Closers  have  been  at  work," 
replied  the  Clerk.  "  You  can't  get  a  Nip  to 
day  for  Love  or  Money." 

"  I  can't,  can't  I?"  demanded  the  Traveller, 
indignantly.  "  Do  the  Enemies  of  Personal 
Liberty  think  that  they  can  deprive  me  of  my 
just  Rights?  Not  on -your  Dreamy  Eyes! 
Watch  me." 

He  cut  for  an  Alley  and  began  trying 
every  Back  Door.  He  would  rap  three  times 
on  a  Bluff  and  say,  "  It's  me,"  but  there  was 
nothing  doing. 

However,  he  was  not  to  be  thwarted.  In  the 
absence  of  the  Blind  Pig  and  the  Speak-Easy, 
[127] 


Began  trying  every  Back  Door. 


PERSONAL    LIBERTY 

he  fell  back  on  the  Prescription  Gag.  In 
quiring  his  way,  he  walked  eight  Blocks  to  a 
Physician's  Residence  and  caught  the  Doc 
just  as  he  was  starting  to  Church.  He  gave 
Doc  the  Elk's  Grip  and  begged  him  to  save  a 
Life.  He  said  he  had  Cramps  and  nothing 
but  a  large  Slug  of  the  Scandinavian  Joy- 
Producer  would  relieve  his  Agony.  Doc 
wrote,  "  Spirits  Frumenti — take  as  directed," 
and  said  it  would  come  to  One  Dollar. 

Then  the  Sufferer  went  out  to  find  a  Drug 
Clerk.  After  a  long  Search  he  found  Mr. 
Higginson  of  the  People's  Pharmacy,  down  at 
Main  Street  Bridge,  pushing  a  Baby-Car 
riage.  At  first  the  Druggist  balked  on 
opening  up,  but  the  Traveller  said  he  was 
a  Dying  Man  and  handed  over  a  good  Ten- 
cent  Cigar. 

At  2  P.M.  he  went  back  to  the  Hotel  wear 
ing  in  his  Pistol  Pocket  a  Flask  of  Squirrel 
Whiskey  the  color  of  Kerosene.  He  was 
flushed  and  happy,  for  he  had  made  a  Monkey 
of  the  Law.  He  invited  two  other  Drummers 
up  to  62.  They  pulled  down  the  Curtains  and 
[129] 


TRUE    BILLS 

tapped  the  Poison,  and  nobody  could  talk  for 
five  Minutes. 

Two  Months  later  the  same  Traveller 
struck  the  Town  one  Sunday,  and  found  a 
Baseball  Team  giving  a  Parade. 

"  Everything  is  wide  open  since  the  April 
Election,"  said  the  Clerk.  "  I  can  get  you 
whatever  you  want." 

"  All  right,"  was  the  Reply.  "  Send  up  a 
pitcher  of  Ice- Water." 

MORAL:    Thirst  follows  the  Prohibition 
^Clause. 


[130] 


he    Fable    of    the    Never-to-be    Benefactor 
Who  Took  a  Brand-New  Tack. 


ONCE   there   was    a    Multi-Millionaire 
who  felt  jealous  when  he  saw   Car 
negie  throwing  Twenty-Dollar  Gold 
Pieces  at  the  Squirrels,  while  Coal-Oil  Johnny 
Rockefeller  was  handing  his  pet  University 
another   Million   every   time   a   new   Student 
came  in  out  of  the  Tall  Grass  and  Matricu 
lated. 

He  saw  that  a  very  Rich  Man  who  wishes  to 
be  Respected  must  fill  his  Clothes  with  Cur 
rency  and  go  out  and  slather  it  around,  and 
holler  for  everybody  to  have  Something  on 
him  and  keep  the  Change.  He  decided  to  fol 
low  the  prevailing  Fashion  and  spend  his 
Money  before  he  died,  thereby  giving  the  Ha- 
Ha  to  the  Legal  Profession. 

But  when  this  would-be  Philanthropist  got 
ready  to  cut  the  Strings  on  his  Bundle  he 
struck  a  Snag.  The  Philanthropy  Business 
had  been  overworked.  Every  Town  large 
enough  to  be  indicated  on  the  Map  had  a 
Carnegie  Library.  He  found  that  the 
[131] 


TRUE    BILLS 

Orphans  were  receiving  more  Care  and  Atten 
tion  than  the  Children  of  Club  -  Women. 
About  the  only  Little  Ones  who  got  into  the 
Country  in  the  Summer  were  the  Homeless 
Waifs.  As  for  Colleges,  they  had  multiplied 
so  rapidly  that  all  through  the  Middle  West  it 
was  practically  impossible  to  get  Harvest 
Hands.  The  Poor  Working-Man  showed  no 
inclination  to  go  against  the  Free  Reading- 
Room  and  the  Cheap  Lectures  on  Astronomy, 
for  he  had  the  Price  in  his  Pocket  and  pre 
ferred  to  play  Seventy-Seven  in  some  German 
Place  where  they  served  a  Hot  Lunch. 

It  began  to  look  as  though  the  benevolent 
Millionaire  would  have  to  burn  his  Money  or 
else  leave  it  to  the  usual  Nephew  who  lives  on 
High  Balls  and  Musical  Comedy. 

"  Surely  there  is  Suffering  somewhere  in 
this  World,"  said  the  perplexed  Millionaire. 
"  Some  one  is  waiting  for  a  Helping  Hand. 
Now  to  find  him." 

He  began  a  careful  Study  of  Social  Condi 
tions  and  soon  discovered  that  the  real  Suf 
ferer,  the  mute  and  patient  Victim  who  was 


A  BRAND-NEW  TACK 

getting  the  Hooks  oftener  than  any  one  else, 
was  the  Gentleman  who  wore  the  High  Collar 
and  carried  in  his  Hip  Pocket  a  little  Work 
on  Etiquette  and  Good  Behavior. 

The  poor  Reptile  whose  Wife  got  up  in  the 
Morning  and  grabbed  the  Paper  to  see  if  the 
Family  was  mentioned,  he  was  the  banner 
Patsy  of  all  Creation  and  he  was  the  Boy  that 
was  praying  for  some  one  to  come  along  and 
throw  him  a  Life-Line. 

By  further  Investigation  the  Multi-Mill 
ionaire  was  horrified  to  learn  that  here  in  this 
smiling  Land  of  Plenty,  where  the  Roses 
bloom  in  June  and  the  Editorial  Writer  calls 
attention  to  the  prevalent  Peace  and  Happi 
ness,  there  were  thousands  of  sad-eyed  Men 
and  Women  who  put  on  their  Good  Clothes 
when  they  would  rather  not  do  so,  who  went 
out  when  they  would  rather  stay  at  Home, 
who  Ate  when  they  were  not  Hungry,  Drank 
when  they  were  not  Thirsty,  Conversed  by 
the  hour  with  People  who  bored  them,  listened 
to  Speeches  they  did  not  want  to  hear,  ap 
plauded  Vocal  Music  that  was  too  fierce  for 
[133] 


TRUE    BILLS 

words,  fondled  the  Infants  that  they  wanted 
to  throttle,  and  read  Historical  Romances  that 
caused  them  to  have  Charley-Horse  Dreams. 

"  Oh,  why  should  we  send  Relief  Ships  to 
India  when  there  is  so  much  Misery  right  here 
in  our  own  principal  Residence  Streets?" 
asked  the  philanthropic  Millionaire. 

So  he  founded  and  endowed  a  Society  for 
the  Relief  of  those  who  are  Invited  Out.  The 
Purpose  of  this  glorious  Organization  was  to 
prove  that  Entertainments  should  entertain. 

As  a  first  Move,  the  Benefactor  invited  all 
the  well-known  Citizens  to  a  Formal  Dinner  in 
honor  of  a  Statesman  who  wore  Medals  for 
talking  against  Time.  All  the  Local  Orators 
who  were  accustomed  to  paying  for  their 
Plates  by  telling  the  same  Stories  that  used 
to  go  so  well  in  the  Primrose  and  West  Days 
were  up  at  the  Head  Table.  A  feeling  of  Sad 
ness  seemed  to  brood  over  the  large  Assem 
blage  until  it  was  discovered  that  in  front  of 
each  Plate  was  a  Card  saying  that  any  one 
attempting  to  make  a  Speech  would  be  thrown 
out  on  his  Neck.  Three  or  four  of  the  Spell- 
[134] 


The  last  of  the  Spell-Binders. 


TRUE    BILLS 

Binders  were  temporarily  stunned,  but  the 
Main  Bunch  laid  their  Faces  down  among  the 
Cut  Flowers  and  wept  for  Joy.  The  Dinner 
proceeded  with  tremendous  Enthusiasm. 
There  were  no  Dark  Clouds  on  the  Horizon 
threatening  a  Wind-Storm.  No  one  was 
wondering  how  long  the  Mayor  or  the  Con 
gressman  was  going  to  Spout,  or  whether  they 
had  Manuscripts  concealed  on  their  Persons. 
The  Orchestra  played  Coon  Songs  without 
any  Interruption  from  the  Chairman.  No  one 
said  anything  about  the  Feast  of  Reason  and 
the  Flow  of  Soul.  The  Man  with  the  Mega 
phone  Voice  cut  no  Ice  whatsoever,  for  they 
had  him  sewed  up.  Every  one  went  home 
feeling  good. 

Next  Day  no  less  than  forty  grateful  Per 
sons  stopped  the  Reformer  on  the  Street  and 
bade  him  Godspeed  in  his  Noble  Work. 

The  next  Thing  the  Society  did  was  to 
offer  a  Cash  Bonus  to  any  one  giving  a  Re 
ception  at  which  there  would  be  no  standing 
in  Line  and  shaking  Hands.  Also  it  offered 
annual  Salaries  to  all  Celebrities  who  refrained 
[136] 


These  need  Relief. 


TRUE    BILLS 

from  reading  long-winded  Papers  to  helpless 
Clubs. 

A  special  Fund  was  set  aside  for  the  pur 
pose  of  having  Children  in  the  Public  Schools 
taught,  by  means  of  Charts,  the  Deadly 
Effects  of  the  Lap  Supper. 

Then  the  Society  offered  a  Bounty  of  Two 
Dollars  for  the  Scalp  of  any  Person  guilty  of 
Amateur  Theatricals,  and  a  Reward  of  $100 
for  the  Body,  dead  or  alive,  of  any  one  pro 
posing  a  Lady  Minstrel  Show. 

A  diamond-encrusted  Brooch  was  offered  to 
every  Young  Woman  who  would  pledge  her 
self  never  to  sing  anything  that  she  learned 
at  the  Conservatory. 

Special  Endowments  were  offered  to  Col 
leges  on  condition  that  Graduates  should  not 
be  permitted  to  arise  on  a  Hot  Day  and  quote 
from  Emerson. 

A  large  Sum  was  set  aside  to  secure  the 
passage  of  a  Law  prohibiting  the  sale  of 
Flutes  to  any  one  except  a  German  employed 
in  an  Orchestra. 

Society  Leaders  were  quietly  bribed  to 
[138] 


This  should  be  suppressed. 


TRUE    BILLS 

circulate  the  Report  that  Party  Calls  were  no 
longer  fashionable. 

A  Hall  of  Fame  was  established  for  Bridal 
Couples  that  refused  to  take  Presents  and  cut 
out  the  Reception  at  the  Home  of  her  Parents. 

Then  the  Multi-Millionaire  inaugurated  a 
Grand  Movement  for  the  final  Emancipation 
of  those  who  wear  Dress  Clothes.  He  worked 
on  the  Legislature  to  set  aside  three  Days  in 
every  Week  for  the  private  use  of  those  who 
want  to  do  as  they  please  without  being  pulled 
and  hauled.  Any  one  who  broke  in  on  these 
days  with  Invitations  was  liable  to  Prosecu 
tion,  the  Penalty  being  a  Fine  or  Imprison 
ment,  or  both. 

By  the  time  this  practical  Reformer  had 
spent  a  couple  of  Millions  helping  the  un 
fortunate  Upper  Classes  to  throw  off  the 
Shackles,  he  was  the  most  popular  Character 
in  the  Country. 

His   heroic   Example   induced  many   weak 
and  faltering  Souls  to  swear  off  on  the  Enter 
tainments  that  had  been   slowly   but   surely 
leading  them  towards  the  Foolish  House, 
[140] 


A  BRAND-NEW  TACK 

After  he  passed  away,  his  Statue  was  set 
up  in  every  Park  and  his  Birthday  was  ob 
served  in  the  Public  Schools  with  a  Half-Holi 
day  instead  of  a  Programme  of  Recitations 
and  Speeches. 

MORAL:  Some  People  are  too  Polite  to 
call  for  Help. 


I/ 'The  Fable  of  the  Old  Fox  and  the  Young  Fox. 

A  FTER  he  had  lived  in  Town  for  many 
/-\  Years  and  had  come  to  know  the 
-*-  -*-  Animals  and  their  Ways,  even  to  the 
occasional  Running  Amuck  of  the  Bulls  and 
Bears,  the  Old  Fox  had  gathered  to  himself  a 
few  Hard  Lessons  which  he  set  down  for  the 
Instruction  and  Betterment  of  Fox,  Jr.  One 
Day  he  took  his  Young  One  into  the  Private 
Office  for  a  Session  of  Fatherly  Advice. 

"  I  have  a  few  Nuggets  of  Truth,"  said  the 
Old  Fox,  showing  some  loose  Scraps  of  Paper 
on  which  he  had  written.  "  I  hesitate  to  offer 
them,  for,  if  I  remember  correctly,  the  Mem 
ber  of  our  Family  who  was  best  Posted  on 
Business  Epigrams  went  under  as  far  back  as 
1873.  Still,  some  of  these  may  help  you.  The 
Work  of  turning  them  out  has  been  a  pleas 
urable  Respite  from  my  ordinary  Routine. 
Proverbs  are  easily  Manufactured,  my  Son. 
They  are  Self-Evident  Truths,  blooming  in 
the  Garden  of  Inexperience.  Those  which 
happen  to  be  the  right  Length  to  fit  into 
Copy-Books  are  most  likely  to  Endure. 
[142] 


OLD    FOX    AND    YOUNG    FOX 

Forty  Years  Ago  I  was  competent  to  turn  out 
Dozens  of  Maxims  and  Proverbs,  each  glister 
ing  with  Truth.  You  are  in  the  Fluff  of\ 
Youth,  while  I  am  marked  with  Gray,  yet 
doubtless  you  could  give  me  Cards  and  Spades 
in  the  Making  of  Precepts  for  the  Guidance 
of  the  Immature.  The  dear  little  Girls  in 
the  Grammar-Schools  write  Essays  in  which 
Mighty  Conclusions  are  linked  together  end 
to  end,  Emerson  Fashion.  With  one  Read 
ing  of  Poor  Richard  and  some  timely  Inspira 
tion  from  Rochefoucauld  and  Hazlitt,  any 
Upstart  may  set  down  our  Common  Weak 
nesses  and  catalogue  a  full  Set  of  Danger 
Signals.  The  Letter  of  Advice  has  been  the 
easiest  Form  of  Composition  from  the  time  of 
Chesterfield.  However,  in  preparing  you  to 
go  out  and  be  of  the  City  Tribe,  and  come 
Home  each  Night  with  your  Brush  unbedrag- 
gled  and  your  cool,  smooth  Nose  unmarked 
by  Scratches,  I  flatter  myself  that  I  have 
omitted  the  usual  Rigamarole  of  Weighty 
Instructions,  my  Experience  having  con 
vinced  me  that  the  machine-made  Proverb 


TRUE    BILLS 

is  seldom  brought  out  except  to  be  Misap 
plied." 

"  Thank  you,  Father,"  said  the  Young 
Fox.  "  I  am  glad  that  you  have  saved  your 
self  the  Trouble  of  formulating  the  Generali 
ties  for  which  the  Rising  Generation  is  always 
prepared.  I  have  fixed  up  for  my  own  Use  a 
Set  of  Rules  which,  doubtless,  is  more  Com 
prehensive  and  Beautiful  than  anything  you 
could  put  together  at  your  Time  of  Life." 

Saying  which,  the  Young  Fox  showed  a 
pretty  Morocco-Leather  Booklet,  made  to  fit 
the  Waistcoat  Pocket,  in  which  he  had  writ 
ten  many  meaty  Paragraphs,  the  Substance 
of  the  same  having  been  deduced  from  what 
he  had  read  of  the  Struggle  for  Existence. 

"  Read  a  few  Selections,"  said  the  Old  Fox, 
with  a  Tolerant  Smile.  "  I  love  to  hear  the 
resounding  Conclusions  of  an  Oracle." 

"  But  I  am  not  an  Oracle,"  said  the  Young 
Fox,  modestly.  "  I  am  not  even  an  Authority. 
I  am  only  a  bright  Juvenile  who  has  sorted 
out  the  Essentials  for  Success  and  set  them 
down  neatly  with  my  Fountain-Pen." 
[144] 


OLD    FOX    AND    YOUNG    FOX 

"  Do  not  flatter  yourself  that  I  credit  you 
with  the  Authorship  of  any  of  the  Matter  con 
tained  in  your  little  Book,"  said  the  Old  Fox. 
"  We  do  not  intend  to  Plagiarize,  but  all  of  us 
absorb  our  pet  Proverbs  from  the  Text- 
Books,  the  learned  Monthlies,  and  the  Edi 
torial  Page.  We  paraphrase  Benjamin 
Franklin,  and  put  Two  and  Two  together  to 
make  Four,  and  change  a  Preposition,  and 
presto !  the  Old  Saw  seems  to  be  a  new  Truth 
evolved  without  Help  or  Suggestion.  No 
doubt  you  have  written  in  your  little  Guide  to 
Life  that  a  Youthful  Frugality  insures  Com 
fort  throughout  the  Declining  Years,  and  a 
Good  Name  is  better  than  Riches,  and  to  be 
sure  you  are  Right  before  you  go  Ahead." 

"  Not  in  those  Words,  I  assure  you,"  said 
the  Young  Fox,  somewhat  testily.  "  It  is 
true,  however,  that  I  have  composed  certain 
General  Directions  in  favor  of  Honesty,  Tem 
perance,  Economy,  Punctuality,  Candor, 
Politeness,  and  Business  Caution." 

"  All  Men  declare  for  these  Admirable 
Traits  in  their  Pocket  Note-Books,"  said  the 


TRUE    BILLS 

Old  Fox.  "  And  no  sooner  is  the  Ink  dry 
than  they  are  led  astray  by  the  Caprice  of 
Small  Happenings.  The  Trouble  with  a 
world-wide  Maxim  or  a  great  bulky  Truth  is 
that  it  does  not  dovetail  nicely  into  the  Exi 
gencies  of  a  Petty  Case.  Here  at  the  begin 
ning  of  the  Twentieth  Century,  my  Son, 
when  all  Endeavor  is  being  subdivided  and 
specialized,  a  Technical  Instruction  under  a 
Sub-Head  has  more  Practical  Value  than  a 
huge  Proverb  that  has  come  bumping  down 
the  Ages.  The  Health  Officer  who  tells  you  in 
a  terse  Bulletin  to  boil  your  Drinking-Water 
does  you  an  Actual  Service  and  the  Results 
are  immediate,  as  the  Bacilli  can  testify. 
But  you  might  have  to  hunt  around  all  Day 

.  without  finding  an  Opportunity  to  make  use 
of  Mr.  Emerson's  tremendous  Suggestion, 

!  '  Hitch  your  Wagon  to  a  Star.'  I  am  not 
poking  Fun  at  the  Large  Rules  for  Conduct, 
but  I  beg  to  remark  that  very  often  you  will 
find  that  they  are  Shelf  Ornaments  instead  of 
Working-Tools  kept  bright  by  Use.  Like 
the  other  Classics  of  our  Literature,  they  are 

t 


OLD    FOX    AND    YOUNG    FOX 

profoundly  respected  and  seldom  Utilized. 
What  you  need  now,  my  Son,"  continued  the 
Old  Fox,  "  is  a  Set  of  Proverbs,  Precepts,  and 
Maxims  brought  up  to  Date  and  peculiarly 
adapted  to  an  Era  of  Horseless  Carriages, 
Limited  Trains,  Colonial  Extension,  Corners 
in  Grain,  the  Booming  of  New  Authors,  Com 
binations  of  Capital,  the  Mushroom  Growth 
of  an  Aristocracy  of  Wealth,  and  the  Reign  of 
Tailor-Made  Clothes.  A  Majority  of  the 
Points  to  which  I .  shall  call  your  Attention 
may  seem  to  be  Frivolous  and  hardly  worth 
while,  but,  as  I  have  already  intimated,  it  is 
the  small  Rule,  made  to  fit  the  Individual  In 
stance,  that  proves  most  valuable  in  the  Long 
Run.  Years  ago  I  made  a  silly  little  Rule, 
as  follows :  c  Never  extend  Credit  to  any  one 
who  wears  a  Blue  Necktie.'  Childish,  say 
you?  Perhaps,  but  it  has  saved  me  Thousands 
of  Dollars.  If  you  will  give  sincere  Heed  to 
what  I  have  inscribed  here,  you  may  be  able 
to  duplicate  my  magnificent  Career." 

Fox,  Jr.,  took  the  Slips  of  Paper  and  read 
as  follows: 

[147] 


TRUE    BILLS 

1.  Get  acquainted  with  the  Heads  of  De 
partments   and   permit   the   Subordinates   to 
become  acquainted  with  you. 

2.  Always   be   easily   Familiar   with   those 
who  are  termed  Great  in  the  Public  Prints. 
They  are  so  accustomed  to  Deference  and  Hu 
mility,  it  is  a  positive  Relief  to  meet  a  jaunty 
Equal. 

3.  As  soon  as  you  get  an  Office  of  your 
own,  put  in  a  Private  Exit,  marked,  "  Escape 
in  Case  of  a  Dear  Friend  with  an  Invitation 
to  Dinner." 

4.  The  first  Sign  of  Extravagance  is  to 
buy  Trousers  that  one  does  not  need.     Every 
Young  Man  on  a  Salary  should  beware  of  the 
Trousers  Habit. 

f  5.  If  you  were  Cut  Out  to  be  a  homely 

/  American,  with  a  preference  for  Turnips  and 

/    Tea  Biscuit,  do  not  attempt  to  Live  It  Down. 

The  most  pathetic  Ob j  ect  this  year  is  the  Man 

who  wants  to  be  a  Degenerate  and  can't  quite 

\make  it. 

6.  A  Bird  in  the  Hand  may  be  worth  Two 
in  the  Bush,  but  remember  also  that  a  Bird 
[148] 


OLD    FOX    AND    YOUNG    FOX 

in  the  Hand  is  a  positive  Embarrassment  to 
one  not  in  the  Poultry  Business. 

7.  Do  not  give  Alms  promiscuously.    Select 
the  Unworthy  Poor  and  make  them  Happy. 
To  give  to  the  Deserving  is  a  Duty,  but  to 
help  the  Improvident,  Drinking  Class  is  clear 
Generosity,  so  that  the  Donor  has  a  Right  to 
be  warmed  by  a  Selfish  Pride  and  count  on  a 
most  flattering  Obituary. 

8.  There   is   Everything   in   a  Name.      A 
Rose  by  any  other  Name  would  Smell  as  Sweet, 
but  would  not  cost  half  as  much  during  the 
Winter  Months.     This  means  that  you  should 
get  a  Trade-Mark  and  keep  it  displayed  on 
the  Bulletin  Boards. 

9.  Never  try  to  get  into  Society,  so-called. 
Those  who  Try  seldom  get  in,  and  if  they  do 
edge  through  the   Portals   they  always   feel 
Clammy    and    Unworthy    when    under    the 
Scrutiny  of  the  Elect.    Sit  outside  and  appear 
Indifferent,  and  after  a  while  they  may  Send 
for  you.     If  not,  it  will  be  Money  in  your 
Pocket. 

10.  All  the  Apostles   of  Repose  and   the 

[149] 


TRUE    BILLS 

Mental  Scientists  tell  the  Business  Slave  to 
avoid  Worry,  but  an  old  Trader's  Advice  is 
to  Worry  until  you  have  had  enough  of  it 
and  then  do  something  Desperate. 

11.  Never  write  when  you  can  Telegraph, 
and   in   Wiring   always   use  more   than   Ten 
Words.     This  is  the  Short-Cut  to  being  re 
garded  as  a  Napoleon.      The  Extra  Words 
cost  only  a  few  Cents,  but  they  make  a  Pro 
found    Impression    upon    the    Recipient   and 
give  the  Sender  a  Standing  which  could  not 
be  obtained  by  an  Expenditure  of  Four  Dol 
lars  for  a  Birthday  Gift.     A  Man  never  feels 
more  Important  than  when  he  receives  a  Tele 
gram  containing  more  than  Ten  Words. 

12.  Remember  that  the  latest  Outline  for  a 
Business  Career  is  to  Rush  and  Bustle  and 
Strain  to  accumulate  enough  Money  to  pay 
your  Expenses  to  Carlsbad  or  Southern  Cali 
fornia   after  you  have  dropped   from  Over 
work.      The    only    Failure    is    the    one    who 
Breaks   Down   without   having   got   together 
his  Recuperation  Fund. 

13.  An   Ounce   of  Prevention   is   worth   a 

[150] 


OLD    FOX    AND    YOUNG    FOX 

Pound  of  Cure  and  costs  more.  Don't  at 
tempt  to  prevent  Trouble  or  you  will  lose 
your  Eyesight  watching  so  many  Corners  at 
the  same  time.  Wait  until  Trouble  comes  and 
then  consult  a  Specialist. 

14.  When  a  Man  is  in  a  New  Town  his 
Prospects  are  determined  (1)  by  the  class  of 
Hotel  at  which  he  is  registered,  (2)  by  his 
Wardrobe,  (3)  by  the  Style  of  his  Business 
Card,  and  (4)  by  the  Manner  of  his  Address. 

15.  A  Rolling  Stone  gathers  no  Moss  and 
therefore  will  not  be  derided  as  a  Moss-Back. 
Roll  as  much  as  possible. 

16.  If  you  must  Economize,  dispense  with 
some  of  the  Necessities.     You  can  bear  up 
under  the  Realization  that  the  Gas 

knows  of  your  keeping  the  Jets  turned  low, 
but  if  you  go  out  of  a  Cafe  followed  by  the 
Reproachful  Gaze  of  a  Waiter  who  regards 
you  as  Stingy,  you  will  feel  Small  and  Un 
happy  for  Hours  afterward  and  your  Work 
will  suffer. 

17.  It  has  been  accepted  as  a  Law  that 
there  can  be  no  absolute  Waste  of  Energy, 

[  151  ] 


TRUE    BILLS 

but  you  will  be  putting  the  Law  to  a  Severe 
Test  if  you  permit  yourself  to  be  drawn  into 
a  political  Controversy  on  a  Sleeping-Car 
with  a  Stranger  who  wears  a  wide  Slouch-Hat. 

18.  The  Shorter  the  Hours,  the  Larger  the 
Income.    Don't  get  into  the  Habit  of  putting 
in  Long  Hours  or  you  may  be  set  down  into 
a  permanent  Subordinate  Position. 

19.  When    you    believe    that    you    love    a 
Young  Woman  so  earnestly  that  you  will  have 
to  Marry  her,  take  a  Long  Ride  on  the  Cars 
to  find  out  if  the  Affection  endures  while  you 
are  Travelling.     The  Beauty  of  this  Test  is 
that  if  you  really  Love  her,  you  never  will 
start  on  the  Trip  by  yourself. 

20.  If  you  expect  to  be  a  popular  After- 
Dinner  Speaker,  don't  attempt  to  work  at  any 
thing  else.     That  is  a  sufficiently  large  Con 
tract  for  one  brief  Existence. 

21.  If   you   take   care   to   Pronounce   cor 
rectly  the  Words  usually  Mispronounced,  yon 
may  have  the  Self-Love  of  the  Purist,  but  you 
will  not  sell  any  Goods. 

22.  Never  accuse  a  Man  of  being  Lazy. 

[  152  ] 


OLD    FOX    AND    YOUNG    FOX 

There  is  no  such  thing  as  Laziness.  If 
a  Man  does  not  go  about  his  work  with 
Enthusiasm,  it  means  that  he  has  not  yet 
found  the  Work  that  he  likes.  Every 
Mortal  is  a  Busy  Bee  when  he  comes  to 
the  Task  that  Destiny  has  set  aside  for 
him. 

23.  Early  to  Bed  and  Early  to  Rise  is  a 
Bad  Rule  for  any  one  who  wishes  to  become 
acquainted  with  our  most  Prominent  and  In 
fluential  People. 

24.  Always    interline    a    Contract    before 
signing  it,  merely  to  impress  the  Party  of  the 
First  Part.     The  one  who  puts  his  Signature 
to  Articles  of  Agreement  drawn  up  by  the 
Other    Fellow    is    establishing    a    Dangerous 
Precedent. 

25.  Never  pretend  to  have  Money  except 
when  you  are  in  Straits.     The  Poor  Man  who 
pretends  to  have  a  Bank  Account  betters  his 
Credit  and  takes  no  Risk.    But  the  Prosperous 
Individual  who  counts  his  Money  in  the  Street, 
forthwith  will  be  invited  to  attend  a  Charity 
Bazar, 

[153] 


TRUE    BILLS 

"  Is  that  all?"  asked  the  Young  Fox,  when 
he  had  concluded  the  reading. 

"  I  thought  that  would  be  enough  for  one 
Dose,"  replied  the  Old  Fox. 

"  But  you  have  not  put  in  anything  about 
depositing  a  certain  Sum  in  the  Bank  every 
Week,"  said  Fox,  Jr.  "  I  had  always  sup 
posed  that  was  the  inevitable  No.  1  of  Parental 
Suggestions." 

"  I  omitted  that  time-honored  Instruction 
because  I  hope  you  will  keep  your  Money  out 
of  the  Bank,"  said  the  Old  Fox.  "  It  is  so 
easy  to  sign  Checks.  If  you  find  a  Surplus  ac 
cumulating,  go  in  for  Life  Insurance,  and  then 
you  may  reasonably  hope  for  the  allotted 
Threescore  and  Ten  Years." 

And  the  Young  Fox  took  the  Truth  Tab 
lets  out  to  have  them  Framed. 

MORAL :  Even  the  Elders  can  give  a  num 
ber  of  Helpful  Hints. 

THE    END. 

[154] 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 

LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 
Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


IN  STACKS 


UN  2  8195"? 


REC'D 


JUkl 


OCT  1  4  1852 


fBJ,CIR.SPR    677 


MAR    fi  1983  1  ? 


REG.  CIR 


JW- 


SEP  1  4  2009 


LD  21-100m-6,'56 
(B9311slO)476 


General  Library 
University  of  California 


^BERKELEY 


